Caffeine...the fifth food group.

Strippers

2005-05-04T18:04:00.000-04:00

This is a post I've been mulling around in my head for a while, but I think I had a sign last night. A young blonde entered the store, and she was shall we say...gifted with a chest that would make Jesus stop what he was doing and say "Sweet ME! Will you look at those sweater monkeys?".

Anyway.

I enjoyed the scenery but didn't think anything of it until Matt rang her out, and walked over to me.

Matt: She was a stripper.
Me: Maybe. I guess.
Matt: She was young, had huge implants, was showing them off, and she had a scary boyfriend.
Me: And? So what?
Matt: And she paid for her entire purchase with a one dollar bills.
pause
Me: Oh. Hmm. Well...she could have been a bartender.
Matt: 'You're a moron' look

I've had my fair share of experiences around strippers. Back when I lived in Seattle, I briefly dated a cocktail waitress at strip club. It's amazing how quickly a bunch of naked women can become mundane. I saw them a couple times a week for a few months, got to know them...and strip clubs were ruined for me for years. I suppose I could still go into one for the fun of it, but I always crack up at the guys who go in, drop a hundred bucks, and go home alone. What's the point of having a (usually) attractive woman crawl all over you if nothing is ever going to come of it? More to the point, is this something you want to experience while surrounded by a bunch of your (male) friends. That in and of itself seems a bit creepy to me.

Funny story about a stripper, though.

Back when I worked for Micros, I was sent down to Atlanta to do a job. I was teamed with a guy who I had just met, Mario Acosta (couldn't remember his name for the life of me until I found it in my rolodex recently). Anyway. Mario was the nicest guy you're ever going to meet. Total holy roller, but of the breed that Jesus had in mind when he got the ball rolling. Non judgmental, totally friendly, didn't impose his beliefs on others (in fact, rarely mentioned it, and never out of context). I loved the guy. Mario knew a guy, Greg, who he had worked with before, and was planning on meeting up with one Saturday afternoon. Knowing that I didn't have any friends in Atlanta, he invited me along. So, Greg, Mario, and I went bowling, grabbed some great Cuban food, and an after dinner cocktail. Greg mentioned that he was meeting his friend Gretchen for drinks, and invited us along. Gretchen was an awesome chick, the picture of southern hospitality (and southern belle good looks). With a few doses of liquid courage, I pull out my "A" game, and start working on her, making (I believe) great progress. Around 9:00 or so, she said that she had to go to work, and asked if we wanted to come hang out. With a wink at me, Greg said sure, and we followed her in.

To Atlanta's (in)famous Gold Club.

Greg begins laughing his ass off, as do I (after the initial surprise wore off. I hadn't thought too much about who goes to work at 9:30. I assumed she was a bar tender. Seems to be a common theme). Mario...well...Mario was completely and totally nonplussed. But he was a trooper. We offered to take him back to the hotel, but he insisted he was game. Patting him on the back (and paying his cover charge), we led him in.

I thought the mans eyes were going to bug out of his head. I'm not sure he had ever imagined so many naked women in one place, much less seen them.

"The road to hell, eh, Mario?" I asked.
"Si. But look at the SCENERY!" he replied.

I gave up on Gretchen after she got drunk. She was a complete and total tosser when she was loaded. Pity. Every girl in the place descended on Mario like sharks after a dying whale. I'll always have the image of him holding his left hand in front of his face, pointing at his wedding ring, and crying "I'm married! I'm MARRIED!" every time a girl asked if he wanted to buy a dance. Great times. I did see the the most erotic dance ever that night. And she chose the most unusual song. I'll never listen to Train's "Drops of Jupiter" the same way ever again.

Final thought: When I'm Dictator For Life, there will be a law banning all use of cliched names for strippers. Or anyone else, for that matter.

So, what have YOU been up to?

2005-04-29T00:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, and I missed you. Just as much as you've missed me, I'm sure. So, why don't we do a little catching up?

WORK

By the way, Exxon's profits were 44% over projection last quarter. Gives you a warm fuzzy. What the fuck happened to Iraq? I thought one of the perks of imperialism was exploiting resources. Shrub can't even fucking do that right.

I did have one of the most patronizing comments I've ever heard directed at me the other day. My. You're very well read for someone who works in a chain bookstore. Well. Fuck you very much lady. May a thousand diseased gerbils mate in your sock drawer.

Another line it was my misfortune to witness shook me to the core. Now, I've long maintained that if you need a license to drive a car, you sure as fuck better have one to have kids (and you damn well better believe it's going to be that way when the revolution comes). This couldn't have been illustrated better than with the comment I always hated Shakespeare. I think it's a travesty that our children have to read this in school. Are you fucking KIDDING me? I should have called Child Protective Services on that dumb slut right there. Poor kids will be lucky to have an IQ over 20 after she's done with them.

So, that's work.

LOVE LIFE

Yup. Still engaged. Still hoping that Stacey will let us have a girlfriend. Still waiting on a huge bag of Fritos and a monkey from Matt.

SCHOOL

Nothing new to report here. Passing my classes, though there is no way I'm finishing the semester with my 4.0. Ah well. We all knew it wouldn't last.

ASSORTED STUFF

Went with Stacey on my birthday to see Sin City. Loved it. One of the more entertaining movies I have seen in a long while. Elijah Wood deserves some Oscar love, and I'm predicting a Travolta-esque comeback for Mickey Rourke.

Had Stacey's ex-boyfriend Kevin over for dinner a little while back. I like Kevin. He's a genuinely good guy, and we share some of the same interests, so we can chat without it being awkward. We've hung out before, so I didn't think anything of it when Stace invited him over.

O, if I knew then what I know now.

I knew something wasn't going to be quite right when he arrived at the door with what appeared to be a manuscript, and his guitar slung over his shoulder.

Umm. Okay. Whatever.

"So Kev," I ask "what's going on?"
"Nothing much. I'm on disability now."
"No shit? What happened, man?"
"My psychologist diagnosed me with schizo affective disorder."

cue the sound of a needle being pulled across an old LP

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm...WHAT? Now, I was just about to crack up, when I realized he was dead on fucking serious. What the hell are you supposed to say?

"Ummm...Jesus...that sucks. Can I get you a beer?"

Fuck you. What would YOU fucking say?

But we were just beginning. He read to us from his manuscripts. I can't even begin to describe how horribly painful this was. I don't think I could do it justice. Let me just summarize the story thusly: total player of a man has all of his girlfriends killed, runs away to the mountains with a bunch of porn, only to have the photos in the 50th anniversary edition of Playboy come to life and complicate his life. All in written in prose...well, I won't say it was bad. I'll just say that I think it was written in crayon.

Then more conversation. Now, I'm a pretty gregarious guy. I can talk to just about anyone about anything. I can laugh politely at anything even close to a joke. I don't know if I was still reeling from the horrible stories or what, but all my skills left me. All I could do was sit there with a "please, don't hurt me" smile on my face. I think this man ranks right up there with Rumsfeld on the unfunny meter.

But there was more to come. We were serenaded by some of Kevin's original songwriting. Dear lord, I almost missed the story telling. Imagine Tom Waits singing to you. Underwater. After having been sat on my a hippopotamus. Singing songs written by a depressed 16 year old home-schooled girl.

I don't remember much after that. I think I huddled in a corner crying, muttering "happy place, happy place, happy place" over and over again. But Stacey was eventually able to get him out the door. After over five hours of this.

No, I'm quite serious.

Five hours.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan does she owe me big.

So. What else is going on?

Oh, yeah. Dan has cast me in a movie that he has co-written with Matt. Now, I wanted to be a tree, but Dan felt that my tremendous charisma would be better served with a speaking role. Or something like that. Apparently I have a sexy voice, and he wants to capture that on film. Who can blame him?

I smell an Oscar nod. Well. Maybe not an Oscar, but certainly a Golden Globe.

Well, I did it.

2005-03-26T00:37:00.000-05:00

After being together for three wonderful years, I broke down last night, and proposed to Stacey.

Against all logic and reason, she said yes. Apparently, she wants to make an honest man out of me. I think she's in for a lifetime of frustration, but hey, she knew that going in, right?

But, it isn't going to be a while, as somebody has to get his ass a degree first. That means the family is in an informational black out. Who wants to deal with three years of questions about the wedding planning. Christ, I think Dante wrote a poem about that.

Details we will figure out later, but right now, I'm the happiest man in the world.

Horrible taste. I'm sorry. Really, really sorry.

2005-03-24T00:40:00.000-05:00

Nah...I'm really not.

I hurt.

2005-03-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

I am getting old, I've decided. Sat down in a chair yesterday and just about every nerve bundle in my lower back told me to fuck off. In unison. A little better today, but don't ask me to tie my shoes. Thank God I have a pair of clogs. The worst part is that I know these problems don't get better as you get older. I'm praying for a medical breakthrough some time in the next few years. Screw that. Months.

Hell. Hours would be nice.

I almost wonder if it's psycho-somatic. Been under a bunch of stress lately, I guess. I've got to get better about paying attention to my body. I'll honestly believe that everything is cool...then BAM. Either my blood pressure freaks out, or my back decides to try out low grade rigor mortis.

I think that placing my brain in a military grade cyborg is the solution to solving later problems.

Anyway. A list of some of my favorite words to say:

Mumu
Kumquat
Lithium
Fuck
Artichoke
Squirrel
Ny-Quil
Spore
Fuck
Lien
Oligarchy
Kangaroo
Fuck

I think I like vowel sounds (and the word fuck).

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Something that was pointed out to me on Tuesday.

2005-03-18T01:37:00.000-05:00

The world does not, in fact, revolve around me.

The entire mother-fucking universe does.

But I'd be pretty happy with the world (though I do have every intention of showing those bastards on Venus who's boss. Fucking Venusians).

However, the world has not recognized me as their leader yet. That will change.

Today I conquered the back yard and the driveway. Tomorrow I think I go after the neighbors tree.

Sunday I take over John's dining room.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tremble mortals. For I am going to make Frankenblog watch the Godfather. Which is, in fact, better than the Godfather, Part II.

Something I noticed yesterday.

2005-03-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

My shoe squeeks. Not both of them, just the left one. Distracting as hell. Not sure what to do as they are fairly new, and pretty comfortable. I probably wouldn't care much, but at work I wonder if the customers think I'm farting when I walk.

Is it true?

2005-03-08T01:27:00.000-05:00

Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet to come to DVD in 2006?

I'm hearing from several sources (not the least of whom, that ineffable fount of cinema knowledge, Dan Dorman) that Warner Brothers is planning on releasing a special edition of this movie for its tenth anniversary next year. Tied up in "legal issues" (the details of which elude me, but as near as I can figure it's a bunch of real dumb fuckers being greedy fucks), it hasn't seen the light of day for years. A fucking shame that millions of people have not seen this because some fucking millionaire has to make an extra grand in royalties.

I'm trying not to get too worked up over this, as there have been teases in the past, but from everything I can tell, this actually looks legit.

I can't even begin to explain how happy this makes me.

For starters, I love the works of Shakespeare. Adore them. If given an original Shakespeare portfolio I wouldn't know whether to molest it, or fucking revere it as a sacred object handed down from on high. If there is a heaven, and by some theological miracle I end up there, I hope to be able to watch the plays in their original forms, with the original cast. I hope to be able to throw myself at the feet of the Bard and thank him.

So, you have Shakespeare. Then you add Kenneth Branagh. There have been hundreds, if not thousands, of gifted (even brilliant) actors and directors who have interpreted Shakespeare's words. But I view KB as the current High Priest. The Most Holy Voice of the Man himself. And Hamlet is, in my mind, his masterpiece. The best version of it put on film to date (and I am most certainly NOT detracting from the other works. Some are very good...even great). The man behind Henry V (1989, and another movie that is a MUST see), Loves Labour Lost (2000 and very underrated), Much Ado About Nothing (1993...awesome...but I do want to kick KB in the nuts for casting Keanu Reeves as John...the pain...the fucking HORROR), and Twelfth Night (1988) gathered up some of the best Hollywood had to offer; Charleton Heston, Kate Winslet, Jack Lemmon, Robin Williams, Billy Crystal (could have been as bad as the Reeves casting, but it worked out), Julie Christie, Richard Attenborough, Judi Dench...sweet Jesus I could keep going, but you get the point...and directed them so fucking well I actually cried in some scenes...yes...it's THAT FUCKING GOOD.

This is quite possibly the greatest Shakespeare movie ever.

Fuck that. It is. And I'm going to celebrate the good news with a nice glass of wine, and a good shagging of my girlfriend.

Don't tease me bitch, I don't think I can handle it.

This is the best news I've had in weeks.

Remember me?

2005-03-08T00:29:00.000-05:00

So, I'm back.

Where have I been? Mostly doing school work. In about a month I'll be free of the evil clutches of real estate law. How anyone can do this for a living and not splatter their brains all over the back of their office is a mystery to me. Also discovered a few video games that have sucked away far too much time. Way too much. It really wasn't healthy.

But, I'm better now, and I'm back. Ready to spill my total and utter useless nothings across your monitors on a regular basis.

You are welcome.

And as a welcome back gift to all of you, I leave a political nod to Abbott and Costello:

Who's On First for the Next Generation.

George W: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead guy in the Middle East?

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

A passing.

2005-01-05T16:02:00.000-05:00

Earlier today Marcella Towle died at the age of 83, finally succumbing to a battle with Parkinson's disease. She was my grandmother.

Albert Pike once said "What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal". Profound words that have a special ring of truth with my grandmother. A teacher of 30+ years, the lives she touched and enriched are damn near uncountable. The marks she made in my life are going to stay with me forever. With her help, my love for the written word flourished. As did my interest and pride in my heritage. Not to mention my appreciation of a good scotch. The one lesson she tried to impart on me, and I regret not learning until I was older, was the value of higher education. But I've learned it. Irish in temperment, she was the first to get in my ear when I had made a mistake (or was planning to do so), the first to offer a hug when I had a achieved something, and the first to lend a helping hand when I was in need.

Rest well, Grandma. I miss you already.

A day of hope, a day of devesation.

2004-12-27T01:26:00.000-05:00

First, the good news. Democracy wins out in the Ukraine. Like most Americans, you'll probably need a moment to find the Ukraine on a map.

Got it?

Good deal. We shall continue.

For those not following this story, the challenger, one Viktor Yushchenko has been poisoned and had to go to the courts to have two previous election results tossed out due to rampant election fraud. Makes Florida in '00 look like a friendly PTA election, eh? What's even better is that the current ruling party is backed by everybodys favorite Cold War holder over, Vlad Putin.

Stick that in your ass and smoke it, Vladdy.

Now, the bad news. Unless you have been hiding under a rock today, you have assuredly heard that one of the largest quakes of the century has hit SE Asia. This is some heavy, heavy shit. Tsunamis over 30 feet high, bodies washing up on beaches, hundreds of corpses being recovered from trees. Death toll is currently over 10,000. Over a million people homeless. Imagine 9/11 and triple it and I don't think you've hit the magnitude of this quake. Just heard that this fucker was so strong it actually has minutely changed the Earth's orbit. That's some freaking fucking shit.

If you haven't already tossed a few bills towards the Red Cross, now is a very good time.

Interesting article out of Toronto that I think y'all should read.
The Kissinger Plan?

The 1973 embargo sparked a new hawkishness in Washington. An article in the March, 1975, issue of Harper's, titled "Seizing Arab Oil," unabashedly outlined plans for a U.S. invasion to seize key Middle East oilfields and prevent Arab countries from having such control over the modern world's most vital commodity.

The author, writing under a pseudonym, wasn't just any old right-wing blowhard; it turned out to be Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.

But seizing Arab oilfields was too risky as long as the Soviet Union existed. The Soviet collapse in 1991 opened up new possibilities.

Kissinger's old idea was taken up with new interest by a small group of right-wing Republicans who, in the late 1990s, formed the Project for a New American Century (PNAC). In a 1998 letter, the PNAC urged President Bill Clinton to overthrow Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, whose potential control over "a significant portion of the world's oil" was considered a "hazard."

One could dismiss the PNAC as just another group of right-wing blowhards - except that the group included Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz, who became key figures in the Bush administration and principal architects of the Iraq war.

Things that make you go "awwwwwww, CRAP".

2004-12-25T10:04:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

It has been brought to my attention...

2004-12-21T02:52:00.000-05:00

That filling out some parts of my Christmas list will be impossible, as Barry White is dead.

I don't fucking care. Dead or alive, he was the coolest motherfucker to stride this rock.

All I Want for Christmas...

2004-12-19T20:29:00.000-05:00

In no particular order:

*Brannagh's Hamlet on DVD.
*A real pro football team in Seattle.
*Ellery Klein.
*for everyone who visits this site to move that mouse a little to the left and help out the Red Cross.
*seriously, can we please get a little help for the NFL in Seattle? Shit.
*My very own Ann Coulter doll.
*An end to violence. Not just in Afghanistan or Iraq, or on American soil but everywhere in the world, bringing peace, harmony and freedom to every human being who are oppressed by repressive dictatorships or monarchies or are being used as pawns in fucking worldwide propaganda by portraying them as evil or hateful when they don't even understand what is the hell is going on in the world by lobbying senators in Congress to pass more fucking measures to bring war and violence in the world to an end. And while we are fucking at it, how about rallying the world's leaders, citizens, and lower classes together to set aside their differences and work together instead of apart by destroying the notion of political parties and ideology? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK? Sweet FUCKING JESUS.
*a pony.
*some coolness from Barry White.
*the skull of George Lucas.
*a weather control satellite.
*Seattle really needs a football team that doesn't suck. That would be nice.
*a guitar. I'm thinking of taking it up, but I don't want to waste the money. You guys waste it.
*new underwear. Now, I don't usually wear underwear, but the few pairs I own are getting ratty. Fuck. I just asked for underwear for Christmas. Does that mean I'm getting old?
*My own small island. Ireland would be perfect.

What do you guys want?

Week in review.

2004-12-19T01:20:00.000-05:00

Holiday season. Works sucks. See previous post. Nothing new to report.

Either Kathy is awful at keeping a secret, or I can read her like a book.

Mysterious swelling on my left eye solved. Much rejoicing. Details too repugnant to mention.

For those killing time at work, I give youthe Simpsons Snowball fight. Enjoy.

Wednesday night went and saw Gaelic Storm. Awesome fucking band. Shitty fucking name. Those of you into Celtic music, and modern Celtic folk music in particular will want to check them out. Several tracks are available to stream on the website, I Miss My Home being my favorite of the bunch. If you get to see them in person, do it. Well worth the price of admission for several reasons. Not the least of which are the drummer (who Stacey wants to do unspeakable things too), and the fiddle player, who I want to...well...if I were to post a full and complete listing of things I want to do to Ms. Klein, it would probably result in me sleeping on the couch. But she is without a doubt a special talent. Best fucking fiddler I've heard in a long time...and hot as fucking hell in knee high leather boots.

Sadly, Kathy was unable to attend, as her sorry ass doesn't have a fake ID.

Fucker.

Ahhh...the things I would let her do to MY fiddle.

TWO WEEKS 'TIL (guitar riff) CHRISTMAS!

2004-12-11T02:41:00.000-05:00

And boy, does life fucking suck when your in retail. Late nights, fools abound, pretty shitty deal across the board. Why do I do it?

No fucking idea.

Not true, actually. Some days, I absolutely love the fact that I'm surrounded by the collected knowledge and artistic output of the universe. It's pretty humbling.

Sadly, those days are becoming fewer and farther between. Customers mistaking my decrepit 28 (getting dangerously close to 29) year old ass for 22 or 23 are a nice morale boost, I guess.

And I need a haircut.

Something that depressed the hell out of me the other day...I no longer am really connected to the Christmas traditions I had as a child. No more Mom brewing coffee and heating up pastries for us before we opened presents, no more wrapping paper wars with my Dad (in which one of the cats would invariably have a bow stuck on their head). No more ham dinners with enough side dishes to feed a battalion of Overeaters Anonymous who have fallen off the wagon. And I miss the days where Christmas meant no school, no worries, and waking up on December 25th just foaming at the mouth, ready to tear into whatever Santa brought. Looking back, I wonder if I don't also miss the looks on my parents faces when they were reassured that I absolutely loved whatever it was they got me.

Maybe I just need a family of my own to share these things with.

I feel a little better.

2004-11-10T02:53:00.000-05:00

Explain this to me. I can never remember where the fuck I left my wallet five minutes ago, but I sit down to a game of Trivial Pursuit and I can remember what nations were involved in the "Velvet Divorce", who the first SNL actor to get nominated for an Oscar was, and what derisive acronyms are out there for PERL (not to mention assorted other useless pieces of knowledge). How does this happen?

I'm am an odd mother fucker.

ABC news ran a bit tonight addressing the potential voter fraud I talked about a few days back. Apparently many of the counties in question are "old school" or "Zell Miller" Democrats. Some may call them DINOs (Democrats In Name Only). Life long Dems who never officially switched parties during the ideological shift in the 60s and 70s. These counties have been voting GOP for at least the past three elections. Kerry's Florida campaign manager even called the allegations "absurd" and stated that the Bush camp ran a better campaign in that state.

While I am a little disappointed in some ways (yeah, I had sorta kinda hoped that some sort of evil doings were afoot and Kerry might pull out Florida, and by extension, the election), I am more relieved than anything else. At the very least, at the end of the day, our votes are still being legally counted.

Well, at least as much as they ever had been.

In other news, Ashcroft has officially stepped down (cue Kool and the Gang)!!!! Now, I'm holding out hope that some sort of moderate will be appointed. We'll see. It certainly would go a long way towards mending some broken fences in this country. But, as I read that Bush is going to push through ANWR drilling, I'm losing hope. For those not up on the subject, run a quick Google search. A lot of pros and cons on the issue, but as I see it, this is the bottom line:

We are going to destroy one of the most delicate nature preserves in the country for, at best, 500 days worth of oil. Teddy Roosevelt, one of the biggest proponents of the environment (and, incidentally, a Republican), is spinning in his grave, I'm sure. You know, if we need fucking oil so much, why don't we pick a middle eastern country with a shitload of it, invade on some trumped up premises, take control of it's oil industry, and install a government of our own choosing? We win across the board.

Hey...wait a second...

Don't get any ideas, Matt.

2004-11-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

Now, I'm as pissed off as anyone about the election results, Frankenblog excluded. But this is waaaaay too much.

A young man who told his family he was distraught over the result of the presidential election was found dead yesterday, apparently from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, inside the gated pit where the World Trade Center once stood, the authorities said.

Election fraud?

2004-11-07T21:44:00.000-05:00

It's a big claim to make, but two different sources are making it. And with some evidence, to boot. Let's start with Jeff Fisher in Florida:

From Common Dreams

In Baker County, for example, with 12,887 registered voters, 69.3% of them Democrats and 24.3% of them Republicans, the vote was only 2,180 for Kerry and 7,738 for Bush, the opposite of what is seen everywhere else in the country where registered Democrats largely voted for Kerry.

In Dixie County, with 4,988 registered voters, 77.5% of them Democrats and a mere 15% registered as Republicans, only 1,959 people voted for Kerry, but 4,433 voted for Bush.

The pattern repeats over and over again - but only in the counties where optical scanners were used. Franklin County, 77.3% registered Democrats, went 58.5% for Bush. Holmes County, 72.7% registered Democrats, went 77.25% for Bush.

Interesting, no?

Now, things get a bit more interesting here. Apparently, the software that tabulates the votes was never penetration tested. Essentially anyone with a PC and a modicum of hacking skills could bust in and alter the results.

Read more here.

Dick Morris, who has nothing good to say about the Democrats of late, chimed in here.

But this Tuesday, the networks did get the exit polls wrong. Not just some of them. They got all of the Bush states wrong. So, according to ABC-TV’s exit polls, for example, Kerry was slated to carry Florida, Ohio, New Mexico, Colorado, Nevada and Iowa, all of which Bush carried. The only swing state the network had going to Bush was West Virginia, which the president won by 10 points.

To screw up one exit poll is unheard of. To miss six of them is incredible. It boggles the imagination how pollsters could be that incompetent and invites speculation that more than honest error was at play here....

At the very least, the exit pollsters should have to explain, in public, how they were so wrong. Since their polls, if biased or cooked, represented an attempt to use the public airwaves to reduce voter turnout, they should have to explain their errors in a very public and perhaps official forum.

This was no mere mistake. Exit polls cannot be as wrong across the board as they were on election night. I suspect foul play.

Now I have no use for fringe movements from either side. They're both equally repugnant. I'm about as moderate as they come, and I'm not buying into this...yet. The ramifications are mind boggling. I almost hope that this is a crock of shit. The electoral process is the foundation of our government. Nothing good can come of tampering with it, or bringing it's veracity into question.

Arlen Spector: Spineless Pussy?

2004-11-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

"Contrary to press accounts, I did not warn the President about anything and was very respectful of his Constitutional authority on the appointment of federal judges.

"As the record shows, I have supported every one of President Bush's nominees in the Judiciary Committee and on the Senate floor. I have never and would never apply any litmus test on the abortion issue and, as the record shows, I have voted to confirm Chief Justice Rehnquist, Justice O'Connor, and Justice Kennedy and led the fight to confirm Justice Thomas.

"I have already sponsored a protocol calling for a Judiciary Committee hearing within thirty days of a nomination, a vote out of Committee thirty days later, and floor action thirty days after that. I am committed to such prompt action by the Committee on all of President Bush’s nominees.

"In light of the repeated filibusters by the Democrats in the last Senate session, I am concerned about a potential repetition of such filibusters. I expect to work well with President Bush in the judicial confirmation process in the years ahead."

In short....fuck. Now, the realpolitik view of this may be that because Spector isn't head of the Judiciary yet he's making nice-nice, and after he is appointed he'll do what needs to be done. But I'm not counting on it.

This guy really needs to find a new gig.

2004-11-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A National Guard F-16 fighter plane mistakenly fired off 25 rounds of ammunition at the Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School in South New Jersey on Wednesday night.

The pilot was meant to fire the rounds some 3 1/2 miles away at a military target range, Lt. Col. Roberta Niedt of the New Jersey Department of Military and Veterans Affairs told reporters in the Jersey shore township's police headquarters. No one was injured as school was out and a lone custodian was inside the building when the bullets hit.

Damage was minimal as the non-exploding, 20 millimeter bullets left only puncture marks in the school's roof and the asphalt outside the building.

The fighter jet was part of the 113th Wing, District of Columbia Air National Guard assigned to Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland.

An investigation is being conducted into how the pilot mistook the school, located on Frog Pond Road, for a target range

What is it with this country and dumbfucks from the Air National Guard?

Just when you thought the dust would start to settle...

2004-11-04T22:01:00.000-05:00

First, the good news:

Sources close to Ashcroft told CNN on Thursday that they believe it is most likely the attorney general will submit his resignation in the near future, possibly within the next two weeks.

Private signals from Justice Department sources have indicated for some months that the attorney general has no plans to serve a second term.

Absolutely fucking great news! Now, I'm hearing people say that Rudy G will be tapped to replace him. I just don't see it. Conservative Christians turned out in record numbers to support Bush in this election. Replacing one of their own with a moderate like G is going to piss them off. Bush may not have to run again, but he is going to want to hand pick his successor. He'll keep the base happy.

Now, one of my biggest fears was that with so many on the SCOTUS, Bush will be able to take some of the more extreme judges out there and have them interpret the law of the land. That ain't gonna happen per Arlen Spector, who will have a big hand in selecting any such judges.

"When you talk about judges who would change the right of a woman to choose, overturn Roe v. Wade, I think that is unlikely," Specter said, referring to the landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion.

"The president is well aware of what happened, when a number of his nominees were sent up, with the filibuster," Specter added, referring to Senate Democrats' success over the past four years in blocking the confirmation of many of Bush's conservative judicial picks. "... And I would expect the president to be mindful of the considerations which I am mentioning."

This guy crossed party lines to kill two Reagan appointees, so I think he'll step up again.

Now, the bad news:

This scares the ever living shit out of me.

President Bush praised voters for a record turnout and thanked them for "a historic victory."

Vice President Dick Cheney went a step further, calling it a "mandate."

MANDATE? These fuckwads couldn't carry a state on the west coast, the north east, and only one in the upper midwest (incidentally, the smallest). 6 of the 7 largest metropolitan areas voted against them. Record numbers turned out to vote for them, sure, but they still only won 51% of the vote. This is NOT a fucking mandate you assholes. 1988? THAT was a fucking mandate. 1984? THAT ass kicking (almost feel sorry for Mondale in retrospect) was a SERIOUS mandate. This...this is a "Hey, you were slightly lest detestable than the other guy". Most fucking politicians would recognize that and try not to rock the boat too much. But then again, look at what we're fucking dealing with.

Another rumor being bandied about is that Colin Powell would step down soon. Good for him. After his people left him swinging in the wind after the now infamous speech to the U.N., I'd be out too. Probably a lot fucking sooner.

The last thing that makes me sad? I can name at least ten people off the top of my head who I think have a legitimate chance at the GOP nomination in '08. I can't name one outside of Kerry for the Dems (and no way that's happening again). Speaks volumes for the state of the party.

Went out with my better half this evening on a date (something we haven't done in too long). My orders? Look good. Response from the girlfriend after I was done getting ready? "I said look good, not look better than me."

I can't help it. I'm just a fine piece of ass.

What went wrong?

2004-11-03T01:26:00.000-05:00

I'm going to get this out before the crying/screaming jag hits, and that could be at any moment. Bush, barring a Dewey-esque fuck up on the part of the media, has won.

How did the Dems let this happen? A President who couldn't even garner a 50% share of support in many, many states should have been ripe for the plucking, right?

Apparently not.

First of all, I kept reading that the young voters were going to turn out this year. Young voters are overwhelmingly for Kerry. I should have heeded the words of political spinmeister James Carville: "You know what we call a candidate who relies on young voters and first-time voters? A loser." More than that, the Kerry campaign should have been paying attention.

Two things that jumped out at me: almost without exception, the states with the highest percentage of college graduates voted for Kerry, and the three areas hit by 9/11 (NY, Pennsylvania, and DC) did as well.

So...what are we looking at? We are looking at the fact that the next President of either party has their best chance at re-election if they start a war. In short, fear mongering. Our nation is falling apart domestically, but hell, Rove ran a great campaign scaring the American public. Go back and look at interviews, sound bites, and debates. How often was terrorist attack driven home? Exactly. Almost every damn time.

The next President will almost certainly be a white male southerner. Too many south of the Mason-Dixon will refuse to vote for a Yankee, a woman, or them thar colored folk (sorry Mr. Obama, as much as I like you, you're fucked).

You MUST get nasty early and often. For far too long the GOP controlled the media cycle. That is a sure way too lose. Get Carville in early, and let that fucking rabid dog loose. We saw it later in the campaign. Kerry started hitting back hard, but alas, it looks like a case of too little, too late.

Critical error on Kerry's part was even MENTIONING raising taxes. I know it's only on 1% of the population, but that's now thousands of people are going to fucking hear it. People are stupid, don't give your opponent a soundbite that effective to use against you.

Lastly, before I go get myself another beer, run a fucking governor. Too many votes in a congressional record. Too many chances for your opponent to smear your record.

The last President who also a congressman? Nixon. Conincedence? I think not.

Democracy starts at home

2004-11-02T13:53:00.000-05:00

Get out and fucking vote. Hell, even if it's for Bush. It's your right, and your respoinsibility as an American to do so. I could recite a laundry list of the names of people who have died to give us this right, but I wont. It would be too long. I could post some bullshit rant about how many people around the world can't vote, but that's all crap to most people. At the end of the day, it's all about being part of our government and trying to make it work. Carrying your small share of the load. Louis L'amour summed it up perfectly:

To make democracy work, we must be a nation of participants, not simply observers. One who does not vote has no right to complain.

Less than 24 hours left to go...

2004-11-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

I swear, I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, but things are looking good for Senator Kerry.

Per Gallup, 30% of Florida's registered voters participated in early voting. Kerry leads FL 51%-43%. Similar news out of Iowa, 27% have voted there, and Kerry holds a 52%-41% lead. Iowa, for those not keeping score at home, becomes important if Bush takes 2 of the "Big Three" (PA, FL, OH). If Kerry can run the table on the other states in question (MI, MN, MO, NM, OR, IA, WI, NH, AR, HI), the Big Three don't matter. I can't see Kerry running the table there. At the very least I think Bush takes Arkansas, and Hawaii is a very real possibility as well.

Went and saw Friday Night Lights yesterday. Still trying to figure out what I think of it. For those not familiar with the story, it is based on the book by H.G. Bissinger. Bissinger, while a sports writer in Philly, kept noticing that this team made of scrawny West Texas kids kept fielding a football team that would go out and dominate teams made up of players twice their size. Intrigued, Bissinger moved to the third world community of Odessa and followed the team around for a year, and was shocked at what he found. This was a town that had absolutely nothing. The oil bust of the late 80s had essentially bankrupted the town, so they pin all their hopes and dreams on these 15, 16, and 17 year old children. It's as much a book about high school football as it is social commentary.

Now, this book is, to my mind, one of the greatest pieces of football journalism ever (although Mark Bowden, of Black Hawk Down fame did a great job with Bringing the Heat), so I had high hopes, but I expected to be disappointed (such is the nature of the book to movie translation). I was not excited when I heard that Peter Berg (Fire in the Sky...fucking HATED that movie) was going to direct it, but when I heard that good ol' boy Billy Thornton was going to play (the now legendary, at least in Texas) Coach Gaines, I got pretty excited. I'll just do a simple breakdown of my thoughts, and hopefully Dan can go see it and give a better review:

The Good:

Lucas Black as Mike Winchell. Whether Black overcame Berg, or Berg pushed Black to a hell of a performance, I don't know. But it was a fucking great performance. Bloody brilliant.

Garrett Hedlund as Charlie Billingsly. See above. At least I had heard of Black (and liked what I saw). This guy is an unknown, but again, played his character very well. And God help me I want to fuck his wife but Tim McGraw actually wasn't that bad. The man he played was in many ways an archetype, but I wasn't expecting much, so I received a pleasant surprise.

I loved the use of color. Every thing felt...well...West Texas dirty. Filming on location in Odessa worked out very well. I loved the fact that they didn't cave in and make this some bullshit teeny-bopper football movie in the lines of Varsity Blues or Remember the Titans. I'd say this movie resembles The Last Picture Show in many respects.

The Soundtrack. Late '80s rap and guitar rock. Love it.

The Bad:

Billy Bob Thornton. Yep. I said it. He sucked. As much as I tried, I couldn't care about him in this movie. For a great actor, a shitty performance.

The dismissal of Ivory Christian. For those who have read the book, be prepared for Preacher being a non-factor. For those who haven't, this is a kid who hated football, but was incredibly good at it (he was the only member of the squad to get a Division 1 football scholarship). He also almost never spoke until Sunday when he would give amazing sermons at church (hence the nickname "Preacher"). He was almost completely ignored. I'm hoping for something to appear on the DVD.

Those stupid fucking flying tackles. They don't happen in the NFL. They don't happen in college, and the certainly don't fucking happen in high school, but every damn football movie has to include at least three. Pisses me off every time.

Filming style. Berg couldn't seem to make up his mind. "Do I want this to feel like a documentary or not"? Not a lot of consistency, and it began to grate on me.

Finally, a quick vignette related to me by a teacher a month or so ago, that I still haven't gotten out of my mind. Now, I was speaking to a high school English teacher, and she told me that one of her students had handed in an anti-Semitic poem. So the following conversation takes place:

Teacher: "Do you even KNOW any Jews?"
Student: "I dunno...I don't think so."
T: "So...what do you have against Jews?"
S: "They're evil...didn't they, like, do something bad to the Germans?"

You can't make this shit up.

October Surprises?

2004-10-30T01:58:00.000-04:00

Let's recap the past few weeks, shall we?

Bush hammered on doctoring television ad.

Eminem's anit-Bush video is #1 on MTV.

FBI investigates the Pentagon over Haliburton contracts (see below).

Well, hell, EVERYTHING is blowing up in Bush's face this week, outlined in this article quite nicely.

Now Rich, some may ask, why this blog blitz? It's because come November 3rd, no matter what happens, I want to be able to say that I did all that I could do to get those bastards out of the White House.

Okay, so we all know

2004-10-30T01:21:00.000-04:00

...that bin Laden is apparently healthy and thriving and using new videos to emphatically moon the American people. I've also noticed some commentators saying that this well help Bush's re-election chances. But someone fucking riddle me this:

A. bin Laden is alive and operating after more than three years.

B. Bush says, "I truly am not that concerned about him."

Therefore A+B =

C. the best way to capture him is to re-elect Bush.

It's true. We ARE a collection of fucking morons.

I'm going to have to vote for Bush. Kerry is too weak. I'm sorry, can you imagine it if Kerry is elected president ... I can see it now .... bin Laden fucking hiding from US forces for years after we've said he can run but he can not hide, releasing tapes every few god damned months, making threats, mocking us to our fucking faces. I'm shocked that Osama is still alive since we invaded his homeland in Iraq.

I mean, really. Can you imagine such a thing? Sweet fucking Jesus.

2004-10-30T01:20:00.000-04:00

Today's poster children.

Old news that I meant to post, but better late than never, eh?

From the AP

CENTRAL POINT, Ore. -- Three Medford school teachers were threatened with arrest and thrown out of the President Bush rally at the Jackson County Fairgrounds Thursday night, after they showed up wearing T-shirts with the slogan "Protect our civil liberties."

All three women said they were carrying valid tickets for the event that they had received from Republican Party headquarters in Medford, which had been distributing event tickets to Bush supporters.

Teacher Janet Voorhies said she simply wanted to bring a message to President Bush, but did not intend to protest.

"I wanted to see if I would be able to make a statement that I feel is important, but not offensive, in a rally for my president," said Voorhies, 48.

The women said they were angered by reports of peaceful protesters being thrown out of previous Bush-Cheney events. They said they chose the phrase, "Protect Our Civil Liberties," because it was unconfrontational.

"We chose this phrase specifically because we didn't think it would be offensive or degrading or obscene," said Tania Tong, 34, a special education teacher.

The women got past the first and second checkpoints and were allowed into the Jackson County fairgrounds, but were asked to leave and then escorted out of the event by campaign officials who allegedly told them their T-shirts were "obscene."

Democrats were quick to pounce on the incident and claimed the GOP has routinely sought to disclude anyone from public appearances by President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney who might question the administration. There was no immediate comment from Republican officials.

2004-10-30T00:31:00.000-04:00

This is being distributed around the Milwaukee African-American community (per the DailyKos).

With apologies to any waffle waitress who might read this..

2004-10-29T14:31:00.000-04:00

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: "Hey, whatchoo readin' for?" Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading for? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

-Bill Hicks

Just some lunchtime reading...

2004-10-29T13:50:00.000-04:00

I came across this blog over lunch, and I thought his observations were worth repeating (and I liked the Star Wars tie-in).

The movie that probably best sums up my feelings towards the upcoming elections is Star Wars. . .or rather a specific scene from Star Wars (and I’m talking the original Star Wars, not the two prequels made by George Lucas’ evil—and not very talented—twin). You remember that scene near the end of the movie? The one where they are making a run down the trench on the Death Star in hopes of putting a couple of energy torpedoes down an exhaust tube and thereby saving the day? During one of the runs some pilot-type is chanting “almost there. . .almost there. . .” as he approaches the tube only to miss the shot and get blown away by Darth Vader. What worries me is that I’m not sure who is going to get blown away and who is going to make the shot: Kerry or Bush. Since I regard this as a genuinely important election (not at all common with elections), this inability to see the future is not doing anything good for my stress levels.

On the one hand. . .

I think Kerry is going to win, and I think that he is going to do so by a wider margin than is implied by the current neck and neck polling numbers. My reasoning is simple. In 2000, Gore won the popular vote even though Democrat voters were apathetic and, after 8 years of Clinton, Republican voters were mightily annoyed and massively mobilized. Now, Democrats are mightily annoyed and massively mobilized, and while Republicans are not apathetic, neither are they as pro-Bush as they were four years ago (i.e. they are having to lie to themselves with greater and greater frequency about such things as Bush’s competence and whether Bush is, in fact, a conservative). The conclusion is obvious.

On the other hand. . .

There was an interview with Kitty Kelley (of The Family fame) in which she was asked what George W. would do if he lost the election. Apparently Kelley said point blank that George W. would not lose. She said that when thinking about the Bush family you had to think of them in terms of the Soprano’s. They will do what they need to do in order to win. So, while reason leads me in one direction, the knowledge that Bush does not play by the Marquis of Queensbury rules leads me in the other.

Politics a GO-GO!

2004-10-29T01:06:00.000-04:00

Yes kids, the big day is almost here, and now the BC04 camp has to dodge another landmine in their (hopefully) futile attempt to stay in control of 1600 Penn Ave.

FBI investigates no-bid Halliburton Contracts.

WASHINGTON — The FBI has begun investigating whether the Pentagon improperly awarded no-bid contracts to Halliburton Co., seeking an interview with a top Army contracting officer and collecting documents from several government offices.

The line of inquiry expands an earlier FBI investigation into whether Halliburton overcharged taxpayers for fuel in Iraq, and it elevates to a criminal matter the election-year question of whether the Bush administration showed favoritism to Vice President Dick Cheney's former company.

FBI agents this week sought permission to interview Bunnatine Greenhouse, the Army Corps of Engineers' chief contracting officer who went public last weekend with allegations that her agency unfairly awarded KBR, a Halliburton subsidiary, no-bid contracts worth billions of dollars for work in Iraq, according to documents obtained by The Associated Press.

Hmmmmmmmm. Now ain't THAT interesting.

And Matt, I tried to follow up on the website lead you mentioned to me at work, but there is nothing there. Any new info?

I think I just pissed myself

2004-10-27T19:54:00.000-04:00

Laughing at this website! Probably the best political satire out there!

"Hey Giblets," says me. "Where'd we get all the high explosives in the basement?"
"What, you mean the high explosives by the washer an dryer?" says Giblets puttin some explosives in his soup.
"No, the high explosives by the sump pump," says me stirrin some explosives into my cocoa.
"Got em at the store," says Giblets dunkin some explosives into the explosive dip. "The high explosives store."
"Did you go to Explosives-R-Us or Explodeytown?" says me.
"Nah, I just went to Wal-Mart," says Giblets blowin up the TV. "This is stuff you can buy anywhere. Although they had a great deal at Kid Kablooie - 380 tons of explosives for the price of 300 tons of explosives."
"That's a good deal on explosives!" says me blowin up the couch. "But Kid Kablooie is more of a kids store."
"Yeah," says Giblets chuckin some explosives at the cat. "You can only get kids explosives there."
"I hear John Kerry claims to have eaten all the marshmallow charms that come in Lucky Charms cereal," says me. "But in fact he has only eaten pink hearts, blue stars an purple horseshoes."
"Disgraceful," says Giblets. "Will his lies never end?"

And more political humor:

Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A: Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam!

Ho hum.

2004-10-27T17:56:00.000-04:00

News news news.

The battle rages the missing explosives, with both sides tearing into the other. So far Kerry has eye witness testimony on his side, Bush has....umm...maybe some speculation. What I find wild, and possibly damning, is that the Iraqi's claim they told Bremer about this almost six months ago...and Bremer hasn't said one damn word. If they didn't, or if Bremer knows something that could save his boss, why isn't he talking?

Anyone else noticed that Kerry is learning? After getting pounded for months on his record, the Kerry camp has found a way to turn just about every issue into a discussion on failings in the Bush record.

Sidenote: Mellissa Etheridge sounds just like Rod Stewart.

For Matt, More shady Haliburton dealings? If true, it's pretty evil, even for them. Or is that eeeeeeevil?

And I got a $20 that says that this election is going to end up in SCOTUS. Any takers?

Mother fuckers.

2004-10-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

Like Frankenblog, I'm going to have a serious issue with ANYONE who votes for Bush next week. For those of you who live under a rock, this story broke this morning: 380 TONS of explosives missing in Iraq. 380 TONS PEOPLE. Frame of reference: it was roughly 1 pound of this stuff brought Pan Am 103 down. And we left it unguarded, after the IAEA (incidentally an arm of the UN) screamed up and down and told us that the bunker, which the IAEA had secured for the past decade, needed to be secured. And we didn't bother to do it.

Bottom line: for all his talk about how we needed to stop Saddam from selling weapons to terrorists, our fucking President just GAVE them a huge stockpile. Fucking asshole.

Some thinking for the holidays.

2004-10-20T02:37:00.000-04:00

Well, even though we haven't hit Halloween, much less Thanksgiving, the holiday adornments are going up around the country. While depressing in and of itself, I'll pass on the obvious rant to blog about something I feel is much more important. But, get comfortable, it is going to be preceded by a story.

When I left Seattle to explore the world, I landed in Boston. To be more specific, the town of Malden, located about 5 miles north as the subway clatters. I was able to find an apartment affordable for someone as dirt poor as I, and it was a GREAT apartment. Third floor walk up of an old mansion. All brick, with a wooden scaffolding going up the back doubling as both the stairs and decks for one side of the building. Built in book cases. Hardwood floors. Floor to ceiling windows in the kitchen. Sure, the bathroom was the size of a small fridge box and my largest closet was about 8 inches deep. Forget the fact that there are economy hotels that offered more kitchen space. I LOVED it. It was a dump, but it was mine. My first apartment all by my lonesome. Couple this with a sweet job at a hotel in the city, and I was happier than a pig in shit for the first 10 months or so that I lived there. Then a Sunday night rolled in August rolled in, and things got fucked up in a hurry.

I'm a night owl by nature, but I had to be into work very early on Monday as my boss was attending a wedding in Prague. I had to cover for her in some meetings, so I had turned in early, around midnight or so. A few hours later, I was woken up by my girlfriend Sonya. It was damn bright in my apartment and some idiot in the street outside was leaning on his horn and screaming.

"Something weird is going on."

No shit, kid, I remember thinking. Why the fuck is the streetlight so bright, and WHAT the fuck is that guys problem?

I grabbed my glasses and staggered out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. I had planned to go out on the deck and see what was up.

You ever see something that so surprises you that you honestly can't function for a heartbeat or two? You just freeze. No breathing, no thinking, just complete cerebral lock down. That is exactly what happened as I looked out my window and could see flames licking up around the edge of my deck. I'm on the third floor. Flames are already up here.

Oh FUCK!

Screaming at my girlfriend to head out the back door, I grabbed my pet ferret and the cordless phone. Yelling at the top of my lungs and kicking every door I saw, I called 911 and made my way down the back stairs at speeds that would have made my old high school football coach beam with pride. No answer at 911. Sirens in the distance. Everyone for miles must be calling. Good. They'll get this puppy put out fast. No major harm done.

I kept thinking this way for about a hour. Some sort of denial reflex I guess. Old buildings burn fast and, apparently, out of control. After the fact I learned that it was a four alarm blaze, and no less than twelve different departments sent engines to put it out. Wild, wild stuff. Thankfully, in the thirteen units in the apartment, no one was seriously hurt (my neighbor, a little old black woman I knew as Ms. Baker, was taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation, but ended up just fine). In fact, most of the people who lived in that building owned pets, and the only fatality's were tow birds my super owned. One of the memories that sticks out the most is that of a fireman, loaded up with respirator, face mask, air tank, the works, coming out of the building with a rabbit hutch and getting nearly toppled by the hug the eight year old girl who lived below me gave him.

But it wasn't all good memories, of course. The cold dose of reality that things weren't going well hit when I watched a high pressure hose blow out my bedroom window. I was on the top floor, in a corner. My apartment was the last one the fire fighters attacked.

I never got the name of the guy who was screaming and leaning on his horn, but I probably owe him my life. The entire building was asleep when this guy, a local taxi driver, happened to be going by. He noticed the fire on the first floor of the deck and couldn't believe that no one was running out of the building, so he did the first thing that of. Given that it took about ten minutes from the time the fire started to the time it had hit the third floor, and given that my bed was under a window that led out onto the deck...well...smoke inhalation was probably in the cards for me without him. They say it's a good way to go, but I'm happy I didn't have to find out.

But, in tragedy, there is some great comedy.

About half an hour after I had escaped the fire, I realized that my grandparents who lived in Canada got their news feeds from Boston, and there were NO shortage of news trucks around. I better call my parents to let them no that I'm okay. So I called them on my cordless phone. No connection. So I try again. Still no connection. Sonya had to point out that the base unit was probably a slab of molten plastic. It's funny what you forget.

Or, shortly before I watched the firemen install a new skylight in my apartment, I crossed paths with a man named Igor (seriously, that was his name). I needed a cigarette badly, and he was the only one lighting up as far as I could tell. So, I bummed one off of him, and this guy, who I had just met 90 seconds before, is tripping over himself (in his very think Slavic accent), apologizing for the fire, telling me how hard this must be for me (frankly, I was just plain numb), and offering to take care of my pet ferret for me. He loved animals. She could stay as long as I needed her too. I thanked him, and pointed out that I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do next, but I'd get back to him. We sat there smoking for a few minutes, watching the chaos around us, while he explained that he was a recent immigrant from Bosnia. A refugee escaping the war. Then he said some words to me that I'll never, ever forget:

Reech, dees iz baad. Veddy, veddy baad. But, yoo know, not as baad as full military bombardment...yoo know, one hundred feefty kilo shell take out this entire block...

I just blinked at him. Later the wisdom of what he said sunk in. It's never as bad as it could be.

I also managed to get on AM radio that morning (ironically enough, my friends mom heard me and alerted all of my other friends). Live radio can be interesting they say, but I just think reporters are dumb as hell.

Sitting on the curb, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, I turned and had a microphone stuck in my face.

"Sir, do you live here."
"Uhhh...yeah...I guess"
"Can you tell me what's going on?"
>Pause<
"Jesus, lady, my damn home is burning down, what the fuck does it look like?"

Short interview.

And my last amusing thought of this disaster came after the fire was extinguished. A fireman walked over, handed me some boots, and told me that we were going up to try and salvage something from my apartment. Trudging up the stairs, bracing myself for what I was about to see, the firemen turned to me and asked if I had seen a large, white, long hair cat outside. I said that I had, and that I was pretty sure another firemen has tossed him in the cab of a truck. Visably relieved the firemen went on to explain that they had found him on the third floor while trying to break into a hot spot. They didn't have time to carry him outside, so they had "tossed him down the stairs and hoped for the best". I beleive that the chuckle I got from this is the only thing that kept me from crying as I was led into my apartment.

Total loss. Nothing was spared. Walls were gutted, what wasn't charred to a crisp was doused in gallons of water and foam. I walked back down the stairs empty handed. Everything I had owned was gone, just like that. Look around your house right now. Think about what that means. Everything you own...gone.

So. I'm sitting on the curb, holding my girlfriend with one arm and my pet with the other, in a total state of shock, my world coming down around my ears, when I hear another woman ask me "Hi...do you live here?"

Right arm already pulling back for a slap, I notice that she isn't a reporter. She's from the Red Cross. Her name is Samantha, and she want's to know what I need. Man, I had NO fucking idea, so she takes me back to a van that had arrived, and starts walking me through things. A place to stay? I work at a hotel, sure, I have a place to stay. She hands me a cell phone, and I arrange that. Clothes? Only what I'm wearing. She hands me hundreds of dollars worth of vouchers. What about my ferret? I have no idea. She's on the phone with a local shelter. My little girl has a place to live as long as I need her to. No charge, no worries about her being put down. How are you getting to the hotel? A cab is waiting outside. Need help paying deposit for a new apartment? The Red Cross helped. Furniture? Some vouchers for that too.

In short, the Red Cross got my ass back together. And they do the same thing, for thousands of people, across the country each day. People who are in much direr straits than I was. And I am eternally grateful for that. Check out the news every day, and you can see what good they are doing. And they do it without government support, just through donations.

I'll never be able to pay off what I owe them, but every year I try to pay a little back. I ask you to do the same.

Please donate. Even a little. It all helps.

Destructive rampage?

2004-10-14T02:15:00.000-04:00

So. I was chatting with my friend Shaun on AIM this evening, and we were discussing the most appropriate way for me to end my career at Borders (should I choose to do so). I suggested a large, profane, and lewd public outburst.

Shaun had a better idea, and we began brainstorming.

Before my scene, we decided it best if I:

-Switch the dust jackets of the erotica and religion books

-Mix in erotica with romance (we decided against this as most people probably wouldn't notice)

-Place true crime books under misc. hobbies and sports

-Place random dust jackets over blank books and shelve them

-Place sex and marijuana books under college prep

-Place "mens interest" magazines and High Times in knitting

-Shelve religious books under humor

-Place books on death and dying in self help

-Gently apply a glue stick to the back of erotica books. Randomly glue other pages together

-PostIt notes with sayings such as "It's not worth it..." and "Why bother?" in books about depression

-Open the foreign language tapes and randomly swap them around

-Shelve Hemingway and Ann Coulter under Special Education

-Place books on baking and dessert in the diet and weight loss sections

-Take a piece of scrap paper, create a little blood stain, write "HELP! They're after me!" on it with a random phone number. Place in a few conspiracy books

-Make stickers that say "Scratch and Sniff". Place on cook books

-Remove all shelve cards, labels, dividers, and anything else indicating where one secion ends and another begins

To be fair, Shaun thought of the funny ones, I thought of the others.

Maybe I can talk about this calmly now...

2004-10-12T13:11:00.000-04:00

My Seahawks lost on Sunday. In overtime. Now, as anyone who follows football knows, the Hawks have pretty much sucked for the better part of two decades. I should be used to them losing. However, this game was a little different. The Seahawks we're at home, playing a weak team St. Louis team, and up by 20 at halftime. And they still fucking managed to blow it. Our defensive Coordinator, Ray "Candyass" Rhodes had desined a scheme that, over the course of more than three and a half games, had only allowed 24 fucking points, and had pitched a shutout. So what does that fucking dumbass do? He abandons it in the fourth quarter of Sunday's game. Net result? 23 points in just over 5 minutes. Un-fucking believeable. I'm seriously afraid that we are going to get destroyed by the Patriots next week.

Pretty good. Kept the profanity to a minimum. Better than I did on Sunday.

I'm going to take a crap. Post some funny comments until I get back.

Bad news.

2004-10-11T01:17:00.000-04:00

Word out of the City of Angels is that Christopher Reeves has passed away at his home.

Here's to hoping it's just a nasty rumor. Too many great ones have been taken from us lately.

2004-10-10T01:38:00.000-04:00

I've promised to share photos of my little hellions. Yes, the pictures are a bit blurry, but YOU try to get the furry little bastards to sit still.

2004-10-10T00:39:00.000-04:00

More of the same, fighting over the remote...

My feet hurt. Let's blog, shall we?

2004-10-09T01:35:00.000-04:00

When you see the Welch's grape juice girl, do you want to hit her in the fucking face with a brick? I do. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

William Shatner is a hack, and Hamlet (the good version) needs to get the fuck onto DVD.

Still haven't had the chance to quit yet. I'm starting to think that my boss is hiding from me. I'd really like to do it face to face, but I'm running out of time. I'm got another job all but sewn up, but it has become quite difficult to leave on good terms if your boss avoids you. Anyway.

Looks like Kerry won the debate tonight. Pity I wasn't there to watch it. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Harry Potter to be offed in the next book? Dare to dream.

This shit will put a smile on your face.

2004-10-08T01:12:00.000-04:00

Stacey was prescribed some sleeping meds today, and being the smart girl that she is, she begins to read the warning labels and the pamphlet that comes with them. And I shit you not, these are on the side of the bottle:

May Cause Drowsiness Or Dizziness

Taking This Medicine Alone Or With Alcohol May Lesson Your Ability to Drive Or Perform Hazardous Tasks

On SLEEPING PILLS. No fucking shit, skippy. This is from the same department that puts instructions on tubes of toothpaste, I'm sure.

Work today was a serious downer. I barrel in the door all fired up and ready to quit, and my boss isn't there. So now I have to get myself all worked up to do it again tomorrow. That assumes I'll have the chance to speak to my GM, as tomorrow is one of the busiest days of the year outside of the holidays. Truly the Universe is conspiring against me.

But I'm gonna get me some tonight. WOO HOO!

Wednesdays are yet another day that ends in "y".

2004-10-06T19:26:00.000-04:00

Somehow, I found this amusing: First grader taken off in cuffs after school yard brawl. 8 years old, and only in the first grade? Something tells me that this isn't the last the police have seen of him.

I don't know if the rest of y'all caught this, but Paul Brewer is calling out the administration, saying

Bremer conceded in a speech at an insurance conference in West Virginia that "we never had enough troops on the ground." He added: "We paid a big price for not stopping it because it established an atmosphere of lawlessness." In another speech in Indiana at DePauw University, Bremer said he frequently raised the issue within the administration and "should have been even more insistent" because the situation in Iraq might be different today

Better late than never, I suppose.

Now that's a fucking big bird.

Hello again

2004-10-06T02:00:00.000-04:00

From the NYT:

Spinning Out Clear Winner Even Before Debate Begins
By JIM RUTENBERG

CLEVELAND, Oct. 5 - Determined to win the post-debate spin war on Tuesday night, President Bush's campaign called on its supporters to flood the news media with quick declarations that Vice President Dick Cheney had come out ahead.

Ken Mehlman, Mr. Bush's campaign manager, delivered the request in an e-mail message to supporters early Tuesday morning.

"Immediately after the debate, visit online polls, chat rooms and discussion boards and make your voice heard," he said in the note, sent to the six million supporters on the campaign's e-mail list. "People's perceptions are shaped as much by their conversations around the water cooler as by the debates themselves."

Jesus. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

And from the fucked up the ass without lube department, I have this tidbit:

When I stepped down from my position of cafe manager to be just a regular old line employee, I accepted a pay cut (never mind it took them five weeks to tell me what it was. Yes. Five weeks). What was odd was that on my first paycheck after I had stepped down, my pay rate hadn't changed one bit. Scratched my head over that one, but in a way, it made sense. I was still spending a lot of time with my replacement, trying to get him up and running, I had found out about the pay decrease after the pay period had started, and my boss has a habit of throwing employees she likes a bone every now and again. I decided not to think too much about it, and see what happens on the next check. As I suspected, the lower rate appeared two weeks later, and I shrugged it off and went on with my life.

Now, a month and a half later, I pick up my paycheck. Imagine my surprise when I see that they lopped off 37% of it as a "Retroactive Adjustment". No warning, no explanation, no nothing. While I won't pretend not to be annoyed by the adjustment, it's the fact that they didn't feel the need to let me know that it was happening that pisses me the fuck off. Who the fuck does this to people? I'm getting paid squat as it is. Where the hell do you get off pulling out over a third of my meager salary with any sort of announcement? So. It all falls on my GM. She gives me honest answers that I like, I'll stay on part time. If she doesn't, I'll have a letter of resignation waiting in my pocket, to be copied to just about every person who might have had a hand in this. Not that I expect that to change anything, but I'll feel a little bit better at least.

Before I forget, hit up Dan's website at Dan On Film. The man is a fucking savant regarding just about all things movies. Reading his thoughts about them is wonderful, but not half as much fun as hearing him speak about them in person. Hopefully this is the first step in him being able to make a living off of his passion.

Post debate thoughts and other ramblings...

2004-10-01T13:50:00.000-04:00

Well, as you might have guessed, I watched the debates last night. And, well, it was pretty clear that Bush got his ass handed to him. Only a late debate rally by the President kept it from becoming a total rout. Kerry was clear, well spoken, and I felt he outlined his ideas very, very well. I wonder if his plan to hold a summit to get more nations on board will actually work, but it's at least a plan. Throwing the comments about Bush's daddy not going into Iraq because there was no viable exit strategy was brilliant. Bush still game across as more personable than Kerry, but that's not to say that Kerry was a stiff by any means. And I have to believe that Bush's "Pouty Sorority Girl...from Hell" look that he made while Kerry was speaking reminded me a great deal of Gore sighing and looking bored during the last round of debates. I personally loved it when Bush would ask for time to rebut Kerry's arguments...and would then stare blankly into the cameras. Bush was running around in circles, and kept hammering home the same, tired sound bites that we've all heard before. Kerry appeared Presidential up there. Very forceful, and he was never visibly affected by some pretty obvious attempts at baiting him.

Not that I had ever seriously planned on voting for Bush, but my choice is re-affirmed by last nights events.

I'm looking forward to the second round of debates, but I think I'm going to pass on the Veep debate. I've never really cared all that much about the VP, although I would like to see Edwards speak some more. He really is dynamic.

Enough politics. More about me.

Getting over the flu. Felt like ass warmed over the past few days. School is hit and miss...my English course is a royal pain in my ass, and the prof is nearly impossible to get a hold of. My law course, on the other hand, is a blast. Although many of the other students in the course are...well...morons, the course is fascinating and I'm enjoying it a great deal. Has me wondering if becoming a paralegal isn't a bad idea.

Work still sucks, but I have vacation coming. Going to spend the time deciding what I want to do in the short term. Anyone have any suggestions for good, local getaways?

Tuesday.

2004-09-22T01:14:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's Tuesday, or, as they seem to pronounce it here in the Old Line State: Toosdey. And you know what that means? The Star Wars Trilogy came out today. Joy. Say it with me, people.

"FUCK YOU, LUCAS!"

May a thousand diseased lemurs fornicate in his sock drawer for an eternity.

So, what else is going on?

Met someone from very near my hometown today. This made me happy. What was fascinating is that she is 49, but doesn't look a day over 40. In my next life I want to be black.

Discovered that although I believe Roe v. Wade was a good decision, it is also a clear violation of the 10th Amendment. Weird. Dunno how I feel about that.

Bush agreed to three debates, one of them Town Hall style. The challenge? Kerry has to be interesting, and Bush has to avoid a verbal train wreck. I can't wait.

You know it's a slow news day when the Pakistan's indecision regarding what color of military uniform to wear appears in your browser.

And most importantly, my Seattle Seahawks are 2-0 to start the season, winning both games on the road. JOY! I've only seen one game, but it's almost enough to know that those bastards are winning. Truly, I am happy.

Now this is just a damn shame. They are over there fighting and dying. Let them get LAID people. What is the problem?

And my girl Kathryn is having a bad day. Not only does she live in Alaska, but her doctor decided to use her as a pin cushion today. Send out those pity waves to her.

So.

2004-09-16T23:58:00.000-04:00

Many, many things to talk about. Where to begin?

Star Wars DVD release next Tuesday. Originally planned to get it for my brother as a Christmas present. I can't do it now. With all the changes Frankenblog listed, as well as some others I found on the Net this evening...no. Not going to happen. Tim can choose to get it himself if he so desires, but I'm not giving Lucas one fucking red cent.

School is going reasonably well, but my Law class is populated by fucking idiots. From a recent debate on the merits and problems with the death penalty:

I was always for the death penalty because I figured if a horrible crime was committed on one of my family members, I would want that person to go to the death penalty. I already knew that plenty of innocent people were being convicted of crimes that they didn't even do but I did not look in the aspect of innocent people being put to death. I still believe that we should have the death penalty regardless of the mistakes that are being made in the system. Just because of a few mistakes we can't take away the death penalty. In that case we might as well take away the prisons.

What the fuck???? I decided to retire from the conversation before I risked my grade elaborating on what a fucking moron this person was. As an aside, this post was made AFTER both the prof and the dean of the legal department agreed completely with the arguments made against the DP by a very wise, well spoken, attractive, witty, and well hung piece of ass.

Two pieces of good news on the election front. Bush's post-convention lead has evaporated, per the AP. It now appears to be a dead heat with both canidates garnering 46% of the vote. A remarkable 61% of voters say they will be tuning in to the debates, as compared to 43% in 2000.

Also discovered a book today called "Why Bush Must Go: A Bishop's Faith-Based Challenge". Strong arguments against Bush from a minister in Atlanta (first surprise), who also is a former Vet (second surprise). Every little bit helps.

Did the third wedding of the summer last weekend. Holy shit was it bad. Boring service, crappy reception hall, horrible DJ, only beer available was Budweiser, and the food had me crapping all night.

And once again, thanks to that Mace Windu lightsabre wielding Frankenblog for the loan of the Sandman novels. So far, they are an excellent read.

Blah.

2004-09-03T02:08:00.000-04:00

So, I got some bad news at work today. Corporate finally realized that they were still paying me my supervisors salary, and corrected the error. Monday I go in search of a new job. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but I was hoping to hold on a bit. Starting a new job and school at the same time was some shit I didn't want to have to deal with. But there we are.

Speaking of school, I am officialy taking classes now. It's a bit odd reading lectures instead of listening to them. But the upside of online classes is that I can show up for classes in my underwear and not get strange looks. I am a bit worried about my law class, however. The fucking prof thought classes started a week later than they did. What kind of Mickey Mouse shit is THAT?

And I forgot how much they fuck you on the cost of textbooks. Fucking bastages.

And I have to do HOMEWORK now. That's some weird shit.

But, the positive note for today is that a my friend and his wife welcomed their daughter into the world today. They's good people, and I couldn't be happier for them.

My ears hurt.

2004-08-29T01:26:00.000-04:00

So, went to my cousins wedding today (sidenote : DAMN I look good in a suit), and they added an interesting twist at the reception. Instead of "tinking" your silverware against the glass to get the bride and groom to kiss (is this some sort of tradition I was previously unaware of, by the way? I've been to several weddings and never heard of that before. I had always thought it was a way of getting everyone's attention before a speech.), you had to go to the microphone and sing a song with "Love" in it somewhere.

I was willing to go up, but Stacey informed me that "Love in an Elevator" would be inappropriate.

There were some inspired performances of titles I'm sure you can figure out yourself, but I did injure myself laughing after the flower girl performed the Barney theme song. The ushers rendition of "I Love It When You Call Me Big Papa" was amusing, especially given that my cousin is 6'4", 280 pounds or so.

I must see if I can score some of the wine that the brides father bottled for this wedding. Disappointing flavor...but a kick like a mule. I'm not a light weight by any stretch, and after two glasses I was feeling it.

The only complaint I had about the wedding was the barrage of "So, when are YOU getting marrieds". After a few drinks I almost said "Well, I'm gay, actually. I just keep Stacey around to throw the lot of you off the scent."

It sounded funny in my head, anyway.

I read volume four of the Sandman series last night, and I was impressed (thanks again, Matt). The writing is remarkable, although I am a big fan of Gaiman's, so that wasn't a surprise. I would say that the writing was his best work outside of American Gods (and had the same flavor as well...I could see how the "proper" novel probably evolved from the graphic...or perhaps the other way around). I'm looking forward to reading the rest, although I had a hard time keeping the laundry list of recommended titles straight. I'm sure I'll be coming back again for those.

This is where you tell me how much you missed me.

2004-08-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

Been away for a bit. Things have been a bit busy, but let's recap what's been up.

Mom is in town for my cousins wedding. Brought we an extremely comfortable Guinness t-shirt. This is good.

Netflix is everything they say they are.

Rented Ghost in the Shell. Overall, I liked it. The artwork was good. The story line was excellent (much, much better than the Matrix, which I felt had a solid story...well, at least the first one did). But I was reminded as to why I don't care for anime. The voice acting was fucking AWFUL. It's hard to get excited about a movie where the dialogue sounds like it's being read by two C grade actors with lobotomys and a lithium drip.

Discovered a dry cleaner near my house that cleans anything for $1.75 an item. And they do a good job! This makes me happy.

Stace and I ripped up the carpeting in the living room, sanded and stained the floors, and sealed it on up. Looks much better than it did before, but if I ever fucking smell polyuerothane again, I'm going to go bat shit.

Games Workshop is just about ready to release new rulebooks and all new models. This makes me happy.

Unfit for Command came out, and this is bad. But not for the reasons one might think. I'm all about free speech. I am not, however, all about slander. Which is essentially what this boils down too. If you have a problem with what Kerry did after he left the service, I can understand that. It was pretty controversial. But to attack Kerry's service in Vietnam is so fucking putrid it makes my head spin. On the positive side of the ledger, it's been nice to see major news services across the country blow huge, gaping holes in the Swifties story. The fact that many of these "Veterans for Truth" have proven to be liars is...well...it's kind of sad, really. It's putting many very honorable vets in a bad light.

And while I'm on the subject, I'd like to make a blanket statement to every Right-wing fucking loon who has busted my chops at work the past week or so.

HEY DUMBASS! Your fucking precious book had a first fucking printing of only 120K or so. There are quite literally THOUSANDS of bookstores across the country. Some of these books went into Canada. And did I fucking mention our good friends at Amazon.com? They got some too. DO THE GOD DAMNED MATH. The reason you can't get your fucking book is because some short sighted dim wit didn't look at the history of books slamming a politician in an election year. THEY TEND TO FUCKING DO WELL. Richard Clarke's book sold over 600K in it's first three weeks. It's not fucking censorship on my part or that of my employer (by the fucking way, look up censorship in a dictionary so you can use the damn word correctly, you ignorant mouth breather) because we aren't selling it. WE CAN'T SELL WHAT WE DON'T HAVE. For christs sake we would sell cardboard cut outs of Hitler fucking a six year old if we thought it would make money off of it. We are a big corporation, we don't fucking HAVE political beliefs. Political beliefs have no damn place in retail. It ain't a hard concept, people.

And by the way you inbred, dumb assed, Neanderthal, quit the visual inspection of your colon long enough to listen up: Clinton's biography really IS in it's fourth printing, and really HAS sold over four million editions. Sorry to piss on your fucking parade.

Sorry, but I feel much better now.

Matt was good enough to help me out with the Sandman series. I'm going to begin reading volume four tomorrow. I'll try to be prompt with a review.

Harrumph.

2004-08-17T03:04:00.000-04:00

Just enrolled in Netflix. At $22 a month, it better live up to the hype. Next on the list, dropping cable in favor of DirectTV. Pity I don't have the funds at the moment to justify Sunday Ticket...I'm going to have to work out a scheme to make that happen. Feel free to contribute. It's hell being 3000 miles away from your favorite team, especially now that after 20 years of inaptitude, the Seahawks appear to be on to something big.

Still very much torn on the Kerry/Nader decision (don't hate me Matt). Honestly, I think it's going to boil down to the polls leading up to the election. If there is a doubt in my mind that Bush might take Maryland, I'm going to vote Kerry. The fact that this election looks to be so close nationwide terrifies me.

Two weeks until school starts. Frankly, that's more than a little scary as well.

Tried to pick up the first issue of Transmetropolitan, but ran into the same problem I had with Sandman. I honestly believe this is a sign.

Oh, and apparently being President of the Physics club at UMCP looks good on a resume.

And it will get you a job at Borders.

Mutterings and mumblings.

2004-08-13T02:55:00.000-04:00

I'm growing increasingly disenchanted with the American body politic. As much as I loathe the current Administration, I know that we are going to see a lot of the same in Kerry should he be elected. It's time we face up to the truth, American politicians are slaves to the all mighty dollar. Even those who go in with good intentions (Clinton comes to mind), are slapped in the face with this reality. Campaign finance reform seemed to be a good way to fix it, but loopholes have been found. PACs are popping up all over the place, representing both parties.

I wish I was smart enough to put forth an awe inspiring solution to inspire the masses to rise up, but I don't. I'll just keep praying that someone figures it out.

In the meantime, I'll continue my internal dialogue. Who to vote for? Kerry or Nader?

I'm lucky in the sense that Maryland is staunchly Dem, and Kerry will win easily. Does this mean I can cast my vote for Nader (or another third party canidate to be named later) in the hope they can garner the mythical 5%? I hear many Republicans speaking out against the President. Does this mean they might go third party? Is this the year?

*SIGH*

Just elect me Supreme Dictator For Life, won't you? Things will be so much simpler.

My job search may be over...

2004-08-10T14:11:00.000-04:00

Found this today in my daily internet wanderings.

DIRECTOR OF DISCIPLINE

The Academy of the Holy Cross, an all girl's Catholic HS, is looking for an indiv. to monitor student's compliance with school policies, procedures, regulations & enforce standards of conduct. Exper. w/HS students desired. Position requires counseling/teaching exper., & the ability to communicate effectively with students, parents & faculty. Fax cover letter & resume to HR, 301-929-6440 or email to dbrown@academyoftheholycross.org 080921

Director of Discipline...at an all girls catholic HS. Wow.

Now I just need to figure out a way to get hired...

For Mom...

2004-08-08T21:56:00.000-04:00

Things BMore's ma taught him:

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION:
"You better pray that this stain comes out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Disturbing.

2004-08-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

"The State Department's annual tally of gifts to administration officials shows Abdullah gave them $127,600 in jewelry and other presents, including diamond-and-sapphire jewelry valued at $95,500 for first lady Laura Bush.

The Saudi royal family's gifts dwarfed those of other world leaders, according to the tally, and easily eclipsed Abdullah's $55,020 in gifts in 2002. Abdullah has been Saudi Arabia's de-facto ruler since 1996 after a stroke sidelined King Fahd."

Well, I'm officially a college student again.

2004-08-05T01:01:00.000-04:00

Enrolled at the local CC today, and signed up for two classes (English and Law...should be enough to keep me entertained). And, because the UMass transcripts department has a bureaucracy that is to be marveled at, I had the overwhelming joy of taking placement tests. English placement tests. Unbelievable. 50 minutes of my life I'm never going to see again (whether I would do anything productive with that time is another discussion, but god dammit, I want to have the option). Then I get to sit around for over a hour to try to sign up for classes that have already been filled (that's how I ended up with Pre-Law 101, but what the hell, why not?). NOW their online system only recognizes me as a student once every four log on attempts.

Not an awe inspiring start, to say the least.

Some things I promised to post.

2004-08-03T11:02:00.000-04:00

Will Ferrel did a campaign parody for the boys and girls over at ACT. Some funny, funny shit, no matter where your political beliefs lie.

Watch it here.

And, in a similar vein, the guy I would vote for if I went third party. I love nutjobs.

Day 3 of the DNC

2004-07-28T23:08:00.000-04:00

Great speech by Sharpton, although it won't carry much weight. His cred is much better than it was, but he'll never escape the image he crafted in NYC in the mid/late '80s. The Kerry camp probably had kittens over some of the things he said, but I can't see it hurting them overall. He is a hell of a speaker.

Edwards speech was very, very well done. He did a good job of outlining the priorities for the Kerry administration (raising minimum wage, tax credits for day care and college tuition, tax breaks for companies that keep jobs in the US instead of exporting them, etc.). I'm a bit more excited about the campaign now, although the choice of slogan was a little hokey. "Hope is on the way"? Ugh.

Holy crap!

2004-07-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

You know, I had fully intended to vote for Matt in the next election. But after Barak Obama's speach at the DNC tonight, no can do. Maybe Matt can push to be his VP? One of the most moving speaches I've seen in a long time, and dare I say...better than master orator Slick Willy last night.

For alongside our famous individualism, there's another ingredient in the American saga.

A belief that we are connected as one people. If there's a child on the south side of Chicago who can't read, that matters to me, even if it's not my child. If there's a senior citizen somewhere who can't pay for her prescription and has to choose between medicine and the rent, that makes my life poorer, even if it's not my grandmother. If there's an Arab American family being rounded up without benefit of an attorney or due process, that threatens my civil liberties. It's that fundamental belief-I am my brother's keeper, I am my sisters' keeper-that makes this country work. It's what allows us to pursue our individual dreams, yet still come together as a single American family. "E pluribus unum." Out of many, one.

Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America-there's the United States of America.

There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States.

I think he may have a book. That is going on the must read list, and I DO hope the DNC doesn't screw this up and begins grooming him for bigger things.

Iron Mike?

2004-07-23T01:52:00.000-04:00

Came across this...and frankly, I'm a little stunned.

Iron Mike Tyson. The baddest man in the world when I was a kid. Everyone I knew thought he was the coolest shit out there. The baddest motherfucker since Ali. Remember the old NES game? Mike Tyson's Punch Out? Beating Tyson was hard as fuck, and I still remember the thrill when I finaly took him down (just as my family probably remembers my victory lap, screaming and dancing, around the house).

Now he's a joke. A has-been. And yes, a lot of it is his own damn fault. But is this piece just fluff, or an honest look at the real Tyson?

I'm going to think it's the real deal, if only to rescue part of the childhood hero I had. There aren't many left.

Trains 2, Man 0

2004-07-22T12:58:00.000-04:00

I feel naked.

2004-07-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

Like Sampson, like Sinead, like Kyle MacLachlan in the opening scenes of Against the Wall, my locks have been shorn.

And my damn neck is still killing me.

I LOVE it.

2004-07-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

Just flipping through some blogs, trying not to move my neck too much (it's all twisted up), and came across something that may have made my day. A boring blog that I was just about to stop reading when I glanced at the persons personal info:

Love food. Hate homos. Love girls. Hate redneck republicans.

O! The IRONY!

2004-07-20T00:53:00.000-04:00

What the hell is THIS shit?

Awesome op-ed piece at MSN

2004-07-19T21:09:00.000-04:00

"What's important is, when he [Michael Moore] stood in the kitchen with a mother from Flint, Mich., whose son had just been sent to Iraq and he agreed with her that America is a great country, I believed him. I think a lot of people did. I think my friend would too, if she ever sees the movie. That's what I mean about his love for America-it comes through even if you don't like his style.

President Bush, on the other hand, says that he loves this country and, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assume he does love his conceptualized idea of America. But I don't think he loves us-the people who make up this land. The huddled masses. The millions of citizens who just want a peaceful, safe life. Those who want to put their kids through school and see them grow up; who want to take vacations to other countries without fearing for their lives because so much of the world hates us."

So.

2004-07-19T20:33:00.000-04:00

I've never watched a womens soccer event in my life. Ever. I'd be hard pressed to name a womens soccer player outside of Mia Hamm.

That is going to change.

I give you...the hottest woman in pro sports!

Though, that picture doesn't really do her justice. I much prefer this one:

http://www.heathermitts.com/142.htm

Is Hawkings going to admit he was wrong?

2004-07-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

Very cool stuff. Now, if Hawkings IS wrong, and we build a radio transmitter with enough power...very cool stuff. I wonder if I'm going to live to see it?

Musings...

2004-07-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine pointed out a very poignant quote at work today. Lenny Bruce once said, "A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction how to get it."

Good for a mild chuckle on the surface, but what was Bruce really trying to say? That just because you can get good old Uncle Syph by nailing a skank at a party when you're too drunk to think about using a condom doesn't necessarily mean that you have the intention of doing so, clearly. But Bruce was also commenting on how important the separation between Church and State is. Think of when Bruce said it. Sometime in the mid to late 1960s. NOONE was talking about sex and sexuality (outside of "radical hippies"), and CERTAINLY not any religious groups. Now, let's pretend for a moment that there was no separation between Church and State. Religious standards become Government standards. Thus, no discussions on sex. Further, noone learns how STDs are contracted. So....what happens when people all of a sudden start pissing fire?

Exactly. A giant mess. Just a little example of how important that separation is.

Which leads me to government funding of faith-based initiatives. While I certainly agree that these initiatives have their place (and applaud many of them for their efforts), where does one draw the line? Is funding them a violation of this tenet? Probably not. Does giving them preference over secular organizations that do the same thing violate it? Most certainly.

Care to guess how the current admin would like to see things funded? You get three tries, but the first two don't count.

Some funny shit.

2004-07-18T01:38:00.000-04:00

Yes, I grew up in Seattle.
Yes, I have a seriously disfunctional relationship with Starbucks.

One last thought...

2004-07-18T01:10:00.000-04:00

The blog is starting to come together. And considering I knew nothing about HTML a few weeks ago, I'm pretty damn proud of that.

Not much to report today. More bombings in Iraq, Martha gets sent up the river (Martha, meet your cellmate Bertha, Bertha, Martha. Quit crying, Martha), Los Alamos shut down for safety concerns (anyone ELSE glad they are 2000 miles away?), wait...here's something interesting:

Man hits girlfriend with gator

PORT ORANGE, Fla. -- A man hit his girlfriend with a 3-foot alligator and threw beer bottles at her during an argument in the couple's mobile home, authorities said.

A mobile home. Of course. Where else? I'll never, ever condone hitting a woman in a domestic dispute (or just about any situation for that matter)...but fuck if I can't give him points for creativity on this one.Okay, off to read before bed. It's been a pretty tiring day of doing nothing much.

Okies, I have to crash...

2004-07-17T01:18:00.000-04:00

If anyone within the sound of my blogging can answer two questions for me, I would be most grateful.

1. How the fuck do I get the fontsize on the comments line down to something that is much less of an eyesore? No sucess with anything I've tried.

>Edit, 3:45am. The joint forces of insomnia and stubborness managed to resolve this issue. A little HTML knowledge is an extremely dangerous thing.

2. Where must I place the fucking break to space out the comments from the next post title? Looks horid.

Nite all.

Man at work

2004-07-17T00:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the new format is up, but as you can clearly see, I'm still a-tinkering. Feel free to leave advice on layout, colors, fonts, etc.,etc. as they all will be changing until I find something that works.

Test test...

2004-07-16T13:36:00.000-04:00

Is this thing on?

Revamp comin'

2004-07-16T03:12:00.000-04:00

Found a much better template. Going through the tweaks and what not. Should be up in the next few days. Bear with me.

Better yet...bare with me.

Ha. I made a funny.

Go fuck off.

Now what's this shit?

2004-07-16T01:56:00.000-04:00

http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=domesticNews&storyID=5683497

MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida woman who offered up a Yorkshire pig as bait to entice an escaped tiger back home will face charges of animal cruelty, local newspapers reported on Thursday.

That's not animal cruelty. That's creative problem solving in my book. I'm sorry my animal rights friends, but animals are NOT people. Sometimes they serve as nothing more than beasts of burden, food, or in this case, bait. A tiger is on the loose for 2 hours, you damn well better hope that someone comes up with an idea like this.

In other news, the Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages has been defeated (cue appropriate Kool and the Gang music). The whole idea is just silly, and I'm glad that clearer heads prevailed. Most of the people I speak too who class themselves as "conservative" don't seem to have strong feelings on the subject one way or another. One of the better points that was raised while I probed the rights views on the matter was this. "I don't care if a gay or lesbian couple wants to have the same rights that my wife and I have. It doesn't affect me at all. What I DO have a problem with is the use of the word "marriage". It holds a very deep, traditional meaning in my religion, and I don't feel that it is being used in the same context in regards to gays. Change to wording to "life partnership" or "civil union" and I'll be completely supportive".

Is this a happy medium? I honestly wonder about this. Or is it more than just semantics?

NASA is planning to launch a probe to study the planet Mercury.

WHY? I realize the gathering of knowledge for it's own sake is an extremely noble, extremely human, endeavor. But we don't even know what makes half of the earth tick, for fucks sake.

Microsoft, MSN, and AOL are collaborating on software now. How long until we have corporate nation states?

Enough babbling.

Where is my muse?!

What the FUCK is up with the new blogspot format, and WHY the fuck did it just shoot my layout to all hell?

Added Haloscan

2004-07-14T23:02:00.000-04:00

And the comments might even include a "thought of the day" to boot. Anonymous should be thrilled.

I'm a nice piece of ass.

Further updates as events warrant.

I am doing this before I die.

2004-07-13T00:08:00.000-04:00

Period. Hell...I'm about to become a student...if I start saving after the Christmas season, I might very well be able to do it before I turn 30...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

HUH?

2004-07-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

From today's McPaper:

Bush's address came three days after release of a Senate Intelligence Committee report that criticized the flawed intelligence the White House used in its justification for the invasion of Iraq...Bush said the Senate report would be valuable in repairing shortcomings in intelligence gathering and analysis.

Now this is so disingenuous it hurts to read. Intelligence failures during this whole debacle were being written on the front page of every newspaper in the nation, if not the world. What the hell did our CinC do about it? Nothing. It was abundantly clear that this was a problem desperately in need of fixing, but the current admin couldn't be bothered. Wait...sorry. I forgot. Dubya doesn't like to read newspapers. We'll give him a mulligan on this. Hey...wait...isn't the Director of the CIA still a vacant position? Glad we're so interested in "repairing shortcomings". There is one short coming I can't wait to help repair in November...

"Although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq," Bush said. "We removed a declared enemy of America, who had the capability of producing weapons of mass murder, and could have passed that capability to terrorists bent on acquiring them. In the world after September the 11th, that was a risk we could not afford to take."

Umm...yeaaaaaaaaaaah. Can someone tell this guy that even after we declared to the world that we knew exactly where these WMDs were being manufactured and stored, we've still turned up zero, zilch, null, empty set?

The worst Arthurian movie EVER!

2004-07-12T19:49:00.000-04:00

So, the new King Arthur flick is out, and it occurred to me. There is not one good movie about Camelot out there. Sorry kids, but I hated Excalibur. Don't get me started on First Knight (Sean, how COULD you?). So, polling some friends and co-workers, I've set about preparing an Arthurian Legend so Craptacular that it will go down as the worst King Arthur movie...nay...the worst MOVIE ever. Here goes:

Steve Seagal .... King Arthur
Vivica A. Fox .... Morgana
Kevin Costner .... Lancelot
Hillary Duff .... Guenevere
Roberto Benigni .... Perceval
Jerry Stiller .... Merlin
Eminem .... Mordred
David Duchovny .... Uther Pendragon
Rupert Grint .... Uryens
Kathy Najimi .... Igrayne
Charlie Sheen .... Gawain
Ving Rhames .... Cornwall
Keannu Reeves .... Kay
John Goodman .... Friar Tuck (Yes, I know)
Patrick Stewart .... Frodo (the very idea gives me the giggles)
Jet Li .... Ector

Directed by Mark Goldblatt. The sheer number of terrible movies this man has been associated with is ASTOUNDING.

Soundtrack...Aerosmith, with Eminem getting the whimsical number for the closing credits.

Top THAT.

Just musing here...

2004-07-11T22:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a chance to start fleshing out a story idea I've been kicking around in my mind for a few days. Hoping to maybe get a jump on that tomorrow. Trying to think of an appropriate setting. It's currently a toss up between the two cities I am most familiar with, Boston and Seattle. The problem I'm having is that I've been gone from both for so long that I'm not sure that I'll be able to really use the character of those cities to embellish the story. There is a third option, a small town USA that I make up in my own head.

Actually, the more I think about that, the more I like it.

I'm also a little scared to start writing again. The last time I had a good groove going, it all went up in smoke (literally). That was six years ago. Not sure I could take a second kick to the nuts like that. But then again, I'm probably going to face similar groin busters if I ever submit anything I write to publishing houses.

Fuck that. I work in a book store. I've seen the kind of crap that gets published every week. I'm going to glue pork chops to myself and run naked through a militant vegan convention if I can't join those ranks.

Heh. I also know of one friend who is going to be completely disgusted by the entire premise of the story. But that makes it more fun. Maybe if I work some monkey porn in there somewhere she'll be happy.

My fate at work is still hanging up in the air. I'm a hairs breadth away from just telling them to fuck off, I really don't need this job that much, and heading out the door. I really don't know why this is taking so long. I abhor ultimatums, but it's been a week and a half. They need to shit or fucking get off the pot.

Okay...I have to gear up to face my Monday morning circus, so I'm out.

Coming tomorrow: My fantasy baseball team still sucks, Monday sucks, and can someone please explain the foot fetish to me?

Yeah, Edwards is a trial lawyer, but you know, maybe he ain't half bad...

2004-07-07T23:04:00.000-04:00

The most telling section:

"The defining case in Edwards' legal career wrapped up that same year. In 1993, a five-year-old girl named Valerie Lakey had been playing in a Wake County, N.C., wading pool when she became caught in an uncovered drain so forcefully that the suction pulled out most of her intestines. She survived but for the rest of her life will need to be hooked up to feeding tubes for 12 hours each night. Edwards filed suit on the Lakeys' behalf against Sta-Rite Industries, the Wisconsin corporation that manufactured the drain. Attorneys describe his handling of the case as a virtuoso example of a trial layer bringing a negligent corporation to heel. Sta-Rite offered the Lakeys $100,000 to settle the case. Edwards passed. Before trial, he discovered that 12 other children had suffered similar injuries from Sta-Rite drains. The company raised its offer to $1.25 million. Two weeks into the trial, they upped the figure to $8.5 million. Edwards declined the offer and asked for their insurance policy limit of $22.5 million. The day before the trial resumed from Christmas break, Sta-Rite countered with $17.5 million. Again, Edwards said no. On January 10, 1997, lawyers from across the state packed the courtroom to hear Edwards' closing argument, "the most impressive legal performance I have ever seen," recalls Dayton. Three days later, the jury found Sta-Rite guilty and liable for $25 million in economic damages (by state law, punitive damages could have tripled that amount). The company immediately settled for $25 million, the largest verdict in state history."

Now ain't that some shit?

But let's be honest. Edwards has the three most important characteristics for a VP.

1. He's young.
2. He's good looking.
3. He's a family man.

Voters eat that shit up.

And for those who don't feel that he passes the "one heartbeat" test because he is a one term Senator, I'll take a moment to point out that Dubya's only governmental experience of note was 6 years in a largely ceremonial position.

Kerry/Edwards '04, baby.

Thursdays Stupid Fucker Award goes to this jagoff.

2004-07-07T23:01:00.000-04:00

'Cause, you know, wobbly lines down the side of roads are just so fucking common.

Did it ever occur to you stupid fuckers to eat strawberries?

2004-07-07T22:57:00.000-04:00

What the fuck? I don't even know where to begin in my description of how absolutely fucking absurd this is?

Have we become such a nation of fad consumers that we will buy this bullshit?

So very tired...

2004-07-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

Seriously whooped here. Wouldn't have made it through today without a constant stream of God's greatest chemical. Hoping to recoup some of the sleep I lost last night. I don't even have a good excuse, really. Just up late. I'm really not digging this 9am crap. How did I do it for so many years? I guess the body adjusts. But as that body starts pushing on to 30, it doesn't adjust nearly as fast I've discovered.

My dad and younger brother dropped in unexpectedly today. That was a nice surprise.

Now here's something very strange. I rarely remember my dreams. Just one of those quirks that makes me so goddamn special. Kind of annoying at times. I KNOW I've had some killer porn dreams, but damned if I can remember all but a couple. Someday we will have DVD-R for the brainwaves and all will be right with the world.

But I digress.

So, yeah, I don't remember dreams. Tuesday night, however, I had a seriously fucking vivid dream about an ex of mine, Meagan. Now Meg falls into the category of "first true love" (I was 19 or so at the time), and she and I ended our nearly two year relationship on an extremely foul note. Nasty, nasty business. So, after a good deal of pondering, and discussion with my better half, I've come to the conclusion that I want to get some sort of closure on that part of my life. Easier said than done, as she, for various reasons, goes far out of her way to not be noticeable (think scariest "father" ever, and you might scratch the surface). So I am just starting to sift through the huge amounts of people finders on the net hoping to get a starting point. I'm also going to pump some of my friends back home for information as well...though I don't have a whole lot of hope there. In our break up, as in many I've seen, friends pick sides as well. So, in short, I'm probably well and truly fucked.

But here is where I'm really amazed at the kind of person my girlfriend is. She's offering to foot part of the bill if I end up hiring a service. How fucking cool is THAT?

On a related note, I was just bitching that I was lacking inspiration for some writing. Could this be it?

Shoulda played hooky....

2004-07-05T21:55:00.000-04:00

Stacey tried to talk me into it, but I abstained. Today I pretty much got a HCl enema. Not only did I have a barista no call/no show on me (which led to all sorts of fun events, like facing a lunch rush solo. Customer: "How do you stay so cheery when things are this busy?" Rich: "I'm the one with the knives."), but apparently my district manager is giving my GM some crap about my transfer, seriously putting my move over to LP in doubt. Time to think about plan B again. I was SO hoping to avoid waiting tables.

Remember campers, always be courteous to someone in a customer service position. Smart money is that their day is much worse than yours, and you can become the store favorite just by smiling and saying something trite, but nice. We may be too caught up in the moment to acknowledge it at the time, but we do appreciate it. Especially if you are attractive. A smile from a pretty girl can keep me from going postal for at least...ten minutes.

Rudeness to a peon is something I've never really understood. I'm busting my ass alone, with a line of eight people, trying not to sweat into the milk I'm steaming, earning less money than the junkie giving senior citizens hummers at the bus station...and you're going to give me shit because you think there is too much raspberry syrup in your mocha? Fuck you, you self centered, morally repugnant, uppity fucking rag. Next time I'm going to follow you out into the parking lot and piss on the twenty three year old beat up piece of shit Benz that makes you the fucking laughing stock of the whole goddamned block.

I needed that.

Apparently C.C. Sabathia thinks he's pitching batting practice. Christ my fantasy baseball team sucks. At least football is around the corner.

Newsweek did a great article on the General in Iraq who is charged with organizing and training the Iraqi army. The good news: this guy sounds like he is too good to be true. Incredibly motivated, brilliant, organized, and amazing at PR. The bad news? As one Iraqi general stated, in a brigade of 1000 soldiers he has 20 he can count on. 20. Or 2% for those keeping score at home. Entire units have mutineed. The one time they were ordered into combat, they had to be yanked out by a quick thinking Marine major before they turned their guns on Americans. We are putting large units of soldiers in the hands of Iraqis who are openly anti-American and who have promised freedom to any militia member who has killed an American (provided he is part of a group that has signed a treaty with the interim government).

Now I guess I'm happy that we have dumped the "nuke 'em all" philosophy that seemed so prevalent not that long ago, but this is a little too fucking much. It is more and more apparent that we had no fucking plan for the occupation. Now with that in mind, I suppose we are doing okay...but we shouldn't be in this goddamned mess in the first fucking place.

And will someone PLEASE tell Cheney to shut the fuck up. The commission that YOUR boss appointed has categorically said that AAQ and Saddam weren't in cahoots. Quit arguing the fucking point unless you have something new to add to the conversation (which begs the question, why the fuck didn't he had over that information to begin with?).

Lots of run-on sentences. Not good. I have to break that habit. I also need to start writing some short stories again, but I'm completely at a loss inspiration. Someone find me a muse.

Thoughts...

2004-07-02T01:48:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else walk into a bank and automatically start casing it? Not that I would ever seriously consider it (getting on the FBI's bad side is on the relatively short list of things I have no plans of doing), but I must have hundreds of schemes in mind for going D.B Cooper one day. Incidentally, Coopers plan was bloody brilliant...if he knew the first thing about sky diving.

Something else occurred to me today. Even though I am sans diploma, I can hold my own with college graduates on many, many subjects. Now, there are many reasons for that, I guess. I'll pat myself on the back and say that on the whole, I'm smarter than the average bear (not a genius by any stretch, but above average). I also read a lot. Newspapers (or, these days, news reports on the internet), magazines, books, whatever. It makes a big difference. The biggest contributor though, has to be my high school education. Call private schools snotty and elitist (many of them are), but on the whole they are populated with faculty who push you to think. They don't just teach you that King John signed the Magna Carta at Runnymede on June 15, 1215. They teach you what that meant to the world for going on a thousand years after. They teach not the what's and the who's, but the whys. They teach you to challenge a thought. To get the facts and draw your own conclusions. This is what is lacking from modern education. I just don't understand why Americans can't grasp why this is so important.

I don't pretend to now how to fix this problem. I certainly don't advocate throwing money at an issue in the hope that somehow this will cause it to magically become better...but in this case, it might not be a bad idea.

What a day, what a day.

2004-07-02T00:37:00.000-04:00

Almost a hour late for work today. Anyone who knows my feelings on punctuality knows how fucking unhappy that made me.

Just read a poll of Iraqis regarding Hussein's trial. 45% of them want him executed, a staggering 42% want him released. I really don't know what the hell to make of that. Thoughts?

Wont know if my transfer is approved until next week. I hate waiting. I can't wait for this cafe to be someone else's headache.

Trying to figure out what I should be studying in school. Journalism? Education? Flaming kitten juggling? I'm almost 30 and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Weird. But exciting, too.

When elected Grand Infallible Supreme Dictator for life, I'm going to enact the "Bitch Needed Slappin' Law". Once a day, under the law, you get to slap some whore who really needs it. For example, the woman who cut in front of at least five people to complain that there was, get this, too much foam on top of her latte. Now, myself, or any person that she cut in front of, would be perfectly justified and backhanding that cum dumpster back to the dark ages under my law.

Remember that when the revolution comes.

Carters Eulogy of Mattie Stepanek

2004-07-01T01:00:00.000-04:00

"When I ran for governor many years ago I estimated that I shook 600,000 hands, and when I was president I visited all 50 states, and since I left office I have traveled to more than 120 nations. I've known kings and queens, presidents and prime ministers. But the most extraordinary person I have ever known in my life is Mattie Stepanek."

Shit. When I shuffle off this mortal coil, I hope something nearly as wonderful could be said about me.

Just something to lighten the mood..

2004-06-30T23:31:00.000-04:00

Okay, I love religious humor, and I just got this one.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least Ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board
proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by
the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

What the fuck? Am I resorting to clean humor? How very odd.

Deep thoughts, by Kurt Vonnegut

2004-06-30T21:16:00.000-04:00

Don't smoke cigarettes.

Cigars, however, are good for you. There is even a magazine celebrating their enjoyment, with male role models, athletes, actors, rich guys with trophy wives, on its covers. Why not the surgeon general? Cigars, of course, are made of trail mix, of crushed cashews and granola and raisins, soaked in maple syrup and dried in the sun. Why not eat one tonight at bedtime?

Read more here.

One of those "bingo" moments. Another wonderful example of hypocrisy in the American fucking mentality.

Not much going on here. Spent some time with the pets today. Stacey and I went to see Shrek 2 as well. I think Puss just broke into the ranks of my favorite animated characters. The line "For you, baby, I could be." Had me in the aisles. C'mon, who doesn't love a character trying to pick up a beautiful woman whilst licking his balls? Next up, F/9-11. From what I've read in reviews and such I already know many of the facts that Moore is going to put out there, but he has a way with the human interest stories. Can't wait to see it for that alone (and, well, I'm a sucker for a cheap shot a Bush's expense).

More later.

And there was a huge sigh from the masses.

2004-06-29T19:18:00.000-04:00

Well, spoke to my boss today and told her that because A) I felt that the way our company handles the cafe is a joke (paraphrasing there, I was slightly more diplomatic than that...but only slightly) and B) I was going back to school; that I was going to quit my job as the boss man in the cafe.

She wants to keep me in the company, though, so after a bit of discussion it looks like I'm going to move over to store detective as soon as a replacement is found (cue theme from Hawaii 5-Oh). It still has to get the okay from our regional loss prevention guy, but I'm pretty sure that's only a formality. So, in a few short weeks it looks like I'll be saving the corporate world from scam artists, shoplifters, bathroom masturbaters, and drunks. In the grand scheme of things it will be a dull job, and I'll end up tearing my hair out because I'm so bored. But I'd rather do that than tear my hair out from frustration because the corporate cafe operations department is populated by retarded orangutans who spend the day flinging shit at each other and jerking off.

I'm also looking forward to school more and more each day. God, if there was a way where I could spend the rest of my life as a professional student, racking up post-grad degrees by the handful, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Even better than that, traveling overseas and getting degrees in other nations. What a way to live! Maybe if I win the lottery.

That would be more likely if I ever played the lottery, but whatever.

Go download Jimmy Carter's eulogy of Mattie Stepanak. I don't think there can be much higher praise.

I'm going to read for a bit. Or take a huge shit. Maybe both. What are YOU doing?

Before I go...

2004-06-29T01:09:00.000-04:00

Fucking exhausted here, but I promised myself that I would put more and more up on this site. Sooner or later I'm going to type something brilliant (the thousand monkeys banging on a thousand typewriters theory).

The youngest cat is in heat. She's flopping around like a trout on a river bank. We must get her fixed. It was cute the first time, now it's just fucking annoying.

Didn't get to take the big step I wanted to today. But it happens tomorrow. The problem is that I want to do it right, and be a "good guy" about it. I owe my bosses for some things, so I'm going out of my way to avoid fucking them (though the fantasy of walking out runs through my mind a few times a week...usually with a lot of explosions at my back a la Arnie in True Lies).

Stacey isn't using "juggy mode" on her video game. This makes me sad. Hooray boobies!!!

Okay...want to type more, but I'm about to pass out.

Night, all.

It's not easy....bein' green...(or, if you prefer, Kermit the Persian)

2004-06-29T00:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I thought it was funny.

Mumblings and ramblings

2004-06-28T02:16:00.000-04:00

You know, at one time in my life I think I had an inkling of who and what I was. Now...I'm not nearly so sure. For the first time in my life, the future is scary. I wonder, though. When I was younger, was I just blind? Did I really believe I could conquer the world because I was who I was (which, in retrospect, wasn't a whole lot)?

Now, I have a lot going for me. A wonderful family, an amazing girlfriend (not to mention her family, who have been nothing short of incredible), a few close friends who apparently believe that giving me support is an edict handed down from God...tons of people would kill for this, right? This is an amazing support structure. What am I worried about?

But I'm worried.

Am I going to be able to provide for my kids they way my parents did for me? Were Paul and John right? Is love all you need? Will I ever achieve ANY of my dreams (getting published, for example, but the list is endless). Will I accept things as lost causes, or play the role of Don Quixote? What defines success, and does that define me?

I'm going to get my college degree. That much I'm certain of. But then what? Do I go right back into my grind of poor to moderately well paying jobs for the rest of my life? Can I live with that?

What happens if chasing dreams takes a back seat to survival?

Sundays Stupid Fuck Award

2004-06-27T22:42:00.000-04:00

Goes to this toolbox.

I've been mugged. It's not fun. I don't recommend it to anyone.

BUT HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU GET MUGGED AND PUNCHED BY A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR? AND THEN LET HIM GET AWAY?

The mugger should have done the gene pool a huge fucking favor and just shot him.

Chris Cornell should have stayed retired.

2004-06-27T22:24:00.000-04:00

Seriously. I was listening to his recent Audioslave stuff the other day, and have you actually listened to the fucking lyrics:

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

What the FUCK is that trifling crap? The driving force behind Soundgarden is putting this out? You have to be fucking shitting me. This is the man that once wrote:

Sweet Euphoria mine is the heart you own
You lost the grace of the hands that harmed you
In the daze of a thousand yawns
Lost my love, as it is I'm truly gone
In your morning I will sleep
Fire on an open palm
Death for Jesus and plastic armies
Wouldn't bring me back again
Sweet as ether eyes I'm blind to them

Notice the fucking difference, Chris?

Until such time as I'm categorically proven wrong, I am asserting that he has been abducted and that a pod-person is putting out this puerile bullshit. There is no other possible rational explanation.

And JB, it was Silk who sang "Freak Me". And the next lines were "Let me play with your body baby/Make you real hot/Let me do all the things you want me to do/Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you.

And fuck you, you fucking fuck. That's now stuck in my head.

I think we're just trying to piss off the Iraqis now.

2004-06-27T00:47:00.000-04:00

Almost made it through another day without getting pissed at the Bush admin. Then I read the front page of the Post:

BAGHDAD, June 26 -- U.S. administrator L. Paul Bremer has issued a raft of edicts revising Iraq's legal code and has appointed at least two dozen Iraqis to government jobs with multi-year terms in an attempt to promote his concepts of governance long after the planned handover of political authority on Wednesday.

Some of the orders signed by Bremer, which will remain in effect unless overturned by Iraq's interim government, restrict the power of the interim government and impose U.S.-crafted rules for the country's democratic transition. Among the most controversial orders is the enactment of an elections law that gives a seven-member commission the power to disqualify political parties and any of the candidates they support.

The effect of other regulations could last much longer. Bremer has ordered that the national security adviser and the national intelligence chief chosen by the interim prime minister he selected, Ayad Allawi, be given five-year terms, imposing Allawi's choices on the elected government that is to take over next year.

Bremer also has appointed Iraqis handpicked by his aides to influential positions in the interim government. He has installed inspectors-general for five-year terms in every ministry. He has formed and filled commissions to regulate communications, public broadcasting and securities markets. He named a public-integrity commissioner who will have the power to refer corrupt government officials for prosecution.

Some Iraqi officials condemn Bremer's edicts and appointments as an effort to exert U.S. control over the country after the transfer of political authority. "They have established a system to meddle in our affairs," said Mahmoud Othman, a member of the Governing Council, a recently dissolved body that advised Bremer for the past year. "Iraqis should decide many of these issues."

Juan Cole, a University of Michigan professor who specializes in Iraq, said the appointed electoral commission's power to eliminate political parties or candidates for not obeying laws would allow it "to disqualify people someone didn't like."

Does somebody, ANYBODY have a rational explanation for this? Fucking douchebags.

Today's update...

2004-06-26T19:38:00.000-04:00

Brought to you by tuna fish sammiches with melted cheese on top. It's what's for dinner.

Teaching myself some (very) basic HTML stuff, so if you log in here, and things are uglier than fucking sin...I'm just playing around. I'll try to keep the eye strain to a minimum.

Enrolled in some distance learning courses at CCBC. I'm going back to being a student. What this means for my retail career (snicker) can only be guessed at this juncture. But I'm getting off my ass and getting that diploma, that's for damn sure.

Why is it that ball sweat always smells different than regular sweat?

Back to tinkering.

Does THIS smack of desperation?

2004-06-26T01:03:00.000-04:00

Download and watch "Kerry's Coalition of the Wild-eyed".

No, your eyes aren't deceiving you. That was Hitler spliced in with the likes of Kerry, Gore, Gephardt, and Mike Moore.

Fucking HITLER!

A little history on this piece. As you may have noticed, the MoveOn.org logo was on the bottom of the first splice. MoveOn had a contest several months ago for the best anti-Bush ad. Hundreds were submitted, and as they were submitted they were placed on their web site. One of those ads compared Bush to Hitler. Once MoveOn realized what they had posted, it was yanked (if memory serves it wasn't on their server for more than a day), and several apologies were issued. Of course, every GOP hack in the country pounced all over it, but that's another rant.

Now, on the Presidents own fucking campaign website, they have posted an ad clearly equating his opponent with the most reviled man in the last hundred years (if only because more people don't know the gruesome details of Stalin and Pol Pot).

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

How can anyone fucking vote for this bastard? This is BEYOND sleazy politics. For a man who claims to be guided by the Lord, how can this NOT be the most vile piece of hypocrisy in modern American politics?

Uniter my fucking ass. Vote this fucker out.

I'm going to quit posting before I have a stroke.